Jesus Is My Co-Pilot....For Now

I have never been a fan of bumper stickers. Sure I get the occasional giggle from a particularly witty phrase tattooed on someone's fender. "Unless you're a hemorrhoid, Get off my ass!" is a particular favorite. But on the whole I just don't care for the statement that a bumper sticker makes. And by statement, I'm not referring to the quip printed on the sticker, but rather the message a person sends about oneself by sticking a slogan on the rear of their vehicle. It is most certainly the sticking something on your bumper, and not the sticker itself that irks me. I became aware of this fact when I realized that I was particularly benign to seeing stickers on guitar cases, luggage trunks, surf boards, mail boxes, or any other random place one might stick a sticker(can you say that 5 times fast?).

As I see it there are three major categories of bumper sticker; political, religious, and humorous. Often times a bumper sticker may cross over two genres (after all if we can't separate church and state in Washington D.C. how can we expect to do it on bumper stickers). But most bumper stickers will in some way fall into the three main classifications (I've intentionally omitted all honor student bumper stickers as they deserve their own blog).

In the interest of brevity I have decided not to dissect each category in my usual angry rant. This blog has a point and it isn't to bash bumper stickers. I could go on about how I love to honk when I'm horny, or how nothing gives me a bigger smile than seeing some asshole who devalued their seventy thousand dollar car by slapping a Mondale/Ferraro '84 sticker on the bumper. But as I said, I have another purpose.

As much as bumper sticker users irritate me, there is one regard in which I have always respected them. Much like those who don tattoos, the bumper sticker junkie isn't afraid to commit to their beliefs. They will slap that stupid sticker (nice alliteration, eh) on their car knowing full well it would take an expensive laser surgery to remove it. I may not agree with your methods but I give you a polite nod of respect for your unwavering grit in standing by your beliefs (Even if those beliefs revolve around "nuking the whales").

But alas, ye that dons the rectangular adhesive message. Purveyor of slogans that can only be transmitted via a 10 X 2 piece of glorified duct tape. I have a bone to pick with you. For you see I am something of a purist who appreciates the nostalgia that comes with being true to form, and keeping things as they are. I like the original Pepsi can, I like my fire trucks red not yellow, and I like the first mom on the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire not her replacement. I like the old Tiger Stadium, the Quebec Nordiques, the Denver Broncos old logo, and it drives me bonkers that the Muppets didn't die with Jim Henson.

More than anything I disliked the whole bumper ribbon fad from the get go. Indeed I like the status quo, and it is my feeling that ribbons should be reserved for track meets and pig tails. I have nothing against supporting the troops per se, I just wish we could support them in the form of a parallelogram (symmetry is an obsession with me). Yet despite my reservations, I still could have looked past this grotesque dereliction of taste.

But, where I used to respect your testicular fortitude, now I merely loathe your cowardice. Because nothing could have prepared me for the horrible truth that I soon discovered about the new bumper ribbon fad. I was shocked and appalled to the point of violent dry heaving when I learned that these bumper ribbons were not stickers at all.....they were MAGNETS!!!

How dare a person attempt to sell me on an idea via the rear fender of their car, when they are not even committed to it themselves. I'm not going to be persuaded into supporting anything, by some shady waffler who can just change their mind (i.e. peel off the magnet) on a whim. How dare you insult the integrity of a long line of marvelous people, who have destroyed their vehicles for a purpose greater than themselves. You charlatans don't support the troops, YOU SUPPORT NOTHING!

With my faith in mankind destroyed yet again I have resorted to the only protest I could muster, which is petty larceny. So if I see your car with a magnet on the back, I'm going to steal it and then spit on your windshield. Hopefully you'll learn that if you're going to believe in something, to believe in it with a little backbone. I've already confiscated so many that I needed to build an extra room in my house just to store them all.

Here's five bumper stickers I'm currently manufacturing.

1. I just gave a can of botulism to your kid who beat up that honor student
2. I've got so much money, I don't care that this bumper sticker completely devalues my Porsche
3. The Moors will rise again. Tariq ibn-Ziyad LXVII in 2012!
4. Not even plastic surgery could make me as ugly as the person I see in my rear view mirror.
5. Bring back bumper stickers! (This one will be a ribbon, but you can bet your ass it won't be a magnet!)

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT? (a tribute to the most obscure song lyrics of the 70s & 80s)

POSTED BY EL SHAZZARINO, GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

American's love lists, American's love countdowns, and American's especially love rankings. Lebanese-American Casey Kasem (born Kemal Amin Kasem) is the founder and Godfather of the countdown. He changed his name, to avoid being profiled and strip searched at the airport. From 1970 until 2004 he hosted the "American Top 40" radio program, which laid the foundation for every list and countdown program in American history (That's right "10 best commercials of 1999", you're just a Kasem doppelganger).

Casey's charismatic style, extensive knowledge, and hypnotic voice spawned a Marxistlike following. I myself, recall tuning in every Sunday morning on the way to Sunday School. The carpool would invariably catch songs 37-35 on the way there, and be treated to the top 3 on the way home. This being long before the internet existed, week in and week out I was never able to find out what songs filled slots 40-38 and 34-4.

Kasem reigned supreme in the countdown world until the beginning of the 21st century. It was around this time that cable television was facing a harsh truth. They had so many channels and so little to air. What followed was an endless barrage of B-movies, re-runs of old television series, and my nemesis reality television (See http://notinbookershouse.blogspot.com/2006/02/why-steve-urkel-is-famous-and-i-never.html ). While this shitstorm of second rate programming rained down upon the unsuspecting viewer, one revolutionary network was retooling. VH1 had already begun to steer away from it's dull beginnings of just airing music videos. "Behind The Music" was giving VH1 all kinds of street cred, with it's dramatic theme music and roller coaster ride through the lives of our favorite musicians. One could argue that the show was somewhat elitist because only musicians who had battled through drug and alcohol abuse were worthy candidates to be featured. Yet, despite the exclusionary nature of the show, VH1 had earned loads of programming currency, the only question was what to spend it on.

Enter the countdown show! 100 Greatest Teen Stars, 40 Most Awesomely Bad #1 Songs,40 Most Awesomely Bad Breakup Songs, 40 Most Awesomely Bad Dirrty Songs...Ever, 40 Most Awesomely Bad Love Songs, 40 Most Awesomely Bad Metal Songs...Ever, 10 Most Excellent Things, 100 Sexiest Artists, 25 Greatest Protest Songs, and the list goes on and on and on.

I have no particular grievance with countdown shows. In fact I find myself watching and trying to predict what their top 10 will be. Then I determine what my personal top 10 would be. Frankly(yet embarrassingly), I get excited when they agree with me.

Casey Kasem pioneered it, VH1 revitalized it, and so many other cable networks (ESPN, E!, The History Channel, TV Land, TCM, etc.) copied it. Now, I will join the ranks and create my own countdown. Out of respect to Casey Kasem it will be music based. Since VH1 has covered just about every music countdown topic imaginable, it will have to be obscure. Most importantly it will need a kick ass title. So without further ado I give you......

WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT?
(a countdown of the most obscure song lyrics of the 70s & 80s)

THE 70s

I'm no poet laureate but I love music. I really listen to the lyrics and appreciate the depth of great songwriters. I like to think that although I don't understand poetry at all, I do generally understand the deeper meaning of songs. Here are 5 that I don't understand.

5. JOY TO THE WORLD-Three Dog Night (Naturally-1970)

Lyrics:
Jeremiah was a bullfrog
Was a good friend of mine
I never understood a single word he said
But I helped him a-drink his wine
And he always had some mighty fine wine

My Interpretation:
The artist is singing about a friend of his from France. He's a frog, has mighty fine wine, and is difficult to understand. Sounds like a Frenchman to me. It was nice of him not to call his friend smelly too.

4. PARKER'S BAND-Steely Dan (Pretzel Logic-1974)

Lyrics:
You'll be riding by, bareback on your armadillo
You'll be grooving high or relaxing at Camarillo
Suddenly the music hits you
It's a bird in flight that just can't quit you

My Interpretation:
First, Steely Dan gets honorable mention for most obscure lyrics by any band all time. Despite the obscurity, I have managed to figure out most of their songs through excessive listening. That said I have no idea what they're talking about here. I know what an armadillo is and Camarillo is a city in California I believe. What a tangled web that Donald Fagan weaves.

3. LOOKIN OUT MY BACK DOOR-Creedence Clearwater Revival (Cosmo's Factory-1970)

Lyrics:
There's a giant doing cartwheels, a statue wearin' high heels.
Look at all the happy creatures dancing on the lawn.
A dinosaur victrola list'ning to buck owens.
Doo, doo, doo, lookin' out my back door.
Tambourines and elephants are playing in the band.
Won't you take a ride on the flyin' spoon?
Doo, doo doo.
Wond'rous apparition provided by magician.
Doo, doo, doo, lookin' out my back door.

My Interpretation:
Let me preface by saying that I believe it's a cop out to look at song lyrics and simply state "they must have been on drugs when they wrote this". However, they must have been on drugs when they wrote this. He's looking out his back door while tripping on mescaline?

2. BARRACUDA-Heart (Little Queen-1977)

Lyrics:
You met the porpoise and me
No right no wrong, selling a song-
A name, whisper game.
If the real thing don't do the trick
You better make up something quick
You gonna burn burn burn burn it to the wick
Ooooooh, barracuda?

My Interpretation:
I think that Heart was comprised of some fairly empowered women. So I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that Barracuda is a metaphor for men who prey on women. These lyrics represent the line of bullshit that men use to get women in bed. As for the porpoise, I'll go ahead and assume it's a colloquialism for vagina.

PAUSE FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK TO PEAK THE VIEWER'S INTEREST AND ANTICIPATION....

1. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY-Queen (A Night at the Opera-1975)

Lyrics:
I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the fandango-
Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me-
Galileo,galileo,
Galileo galileo
Galileo figaro-magnifico

My Interpretation:
A small skinny man named Scaramouche is trying to buy movie tickets online. He marvels at his lightning fast internet connection and screams "Galileo" (for some odd reason) as his credit card is accepted. This song was very forward thinking.


THE 80S

The music of the 80s didn't have the depth of the 70s. It was a bubble gum era and the music was shallow and meaningless. There were some catchy tunes, but the lyrics left little to the imagination. Here's the most complex of the simple.

5. 99 LUFTBALLON(Nena-1984) & ROCK ME AMADEUS(Falco-1986)

Lyrics:
Sprechen Ze Deutch?

My Interpretation:
I feel that these two songs deserve honorable mention. Despite being entirely in German both of these songs reached the peak of popularity in the U.S. Since I don't speak German the meaning of these lyrics completely elude me. Ill go out on a limb though and say Falco is singing about Mozart and Nena is singing about balloons.

4. SLEDGEHAMMER-Peter Gabriel (So-1986)

Lyrics:
You could have a steam train, If you'd just lay down your tracks
You could have an aeroplane flying, If you bring your blue sky back
All you do is call me
I'll be anything you need
You could have a big dipper, Going up and down, all around the bends
You could have a bumper car, bumping, This amusement never ends
I want to be your sledgehammer

My Interpretation:
The fact that he inexplicably switches to Spanish and says aeroplane vexes me. Is it just because he wants that extra syllable? I'm equally puzzled by his bizarre transition from constellations to bumper cars. Perhaps this song is just a gross abuse of popularity. I never thought of Peter Gabriel as arrogant, but the truth is I don't know the man. Maybe he just figured his fans would swallow nonsense because he is so beloved. That or he just wants to fix all our problems. Does the sledgehammer have any meaning? Would the overall message of the song change if he was our allen wrench, our phillips head screwdriver, or our ball peen hammer?


3. ILL TUMBLE 4 YA-Culture Club (Kissing To Be Clever-1982)

Lyrics:
Downtown we'll drown
We're in our never splender
Flowers, Showers
Who's got the new boy gender

I'll be your baby
I'll be your score
I'll run the gun for you
And so much more

I'll tumble 4 ya, I'll tumble 4 ya, I'll tumble 4 ya, I'll tumble 4 you

My Interpretation:
Nothing moves me more than a love story. And no love is more pure than the love of a gymnast for his coach. Boy George's metaphors are so subtle and sneaky you can barely see the balance beam and pummel horse behind the lyrics. Keep tumbling for me George.

2. ELECTRIC AVENUE-Eddy Grant (Killer on the Rampage-1982)

Lyrics:
Who is to blame in one country
Never can get to the one
Dealin' in multiplication
And they still can't feed everyone, oh no
We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Oh we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher

My Interpretation:
Eddy Grant was just sticking it to the Church. This song may well have been written as an ad for Trojan condoms. The only message I can find here is "use birth control". Who knew that behind his smooth beats and intoxicating rhythm, Eddy Grant was so politically charged. Take it higher Eddy, Take it higher!

DRUMROLL PLEASE......THE MOST OBSCURE LYRICS OF THE 1980s COME FROM THE SONG....

1. THE REFLEX-Duran Duran (Seven & The Ragged Tiger-1983)

Lyrics:
So why don't you use it
Try not to bruse it
Buy time don't lose it

The reflex is an only child, he's waiting in the park
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover isn't that bizarre

My Interpretation:
I'm guessing that in the first three lines he's talking about his erect penis. The second section leads me to believe he's some sort of perverted pederast hiding in the park, waiting for an unsuspecting child to molest. I never realized Duran Duran were so edgy and obscene. What really disturbs me is that I sang along with this song as a boy. You violated me Duran Duran, you sick European bastards.

Why Steve Urkel Is Famous And I Never Will Be

POSTED BY EL SHAZZARINO, GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

I'm done with Hollywood. Flat out done. I can't take it anymore. I don't know if the problem is, that all of the creative juices have been squeezed out of the proverbial orange of the the entertainment industry, or if they just stopped trying. But at some point in the last 10 years, the powers that be decided that wherever the biggest profits were, that's what would be made. Every shred of integrity, taste, and allegiance to their artform has been washed away in a sea of crap!

"Skating With Celebrities"? Doesn't that say it all? I'm going to try to avoid getting overly vulgar in this post, but this whole issue gets my blood boiling hotter than a habanero pepper. Skating with Fucking Celebrities! It has to be a joke I thought to myself. It's some sort of weird psychological experiment that the government is orchestrating to see if there's even a microfraction of intelligence left on this planet. I can just picture the board meeting of the secret world government. They sat around smoking cigars, snorting lines of cocaine, sniffing glue, and chuckling haughtily. "If 'Skating With Celebrities' survives a season on the air, we will have confirmation that the vast majority of people populating our planet, have the IQ of a vacuum cleaner bag." I know if I secretly ran the world, this would be useful information to me. I'd figure, if I can sell the masses "Skating with celebrities", I can pretty much sell them anything. Then I'd truly have the world by the short and curlies.

Well I have a message to those who wish to continue cramming these shit burgers down my throat. "I'm on to your little game!" The rest of the world may have bought into your creationism, your fictitious deities, and your goddamn reality television, but I'm not. I'm too smart for you. My intelligence will forever shield me from your insanity (which you've convinced the world is sane). My intelligence will protect me until the day your so called rapture comes. When you're being beamed up to heaven to skate with celebrities, I'll be laughing with the devil in our fiery hell, watching re-runs of Cheers, knowing I got the better of you bastards. My intelligence will be my impenetrable forcefield. Unfortunately my intelligence will forever keep me from being famous, and It's all Steve Urkel's fault!

If I hiked my pants up past my bellybutton, put on some big goofy glasses, snorted when I laughed, and acted generally annoying, would it be funny? The answer is a resounding NO! It wouldn't be funny if I did it, and it wasn't funny when Jaleel White did it. But this idiot Urkelnation, thought it was funny, and that's why we're all going to hell on a handcart. This country and planet isn't screwed because we have a bafoonish, alcoholic, coke addict President who believes he talks to God on the telephone. We aren't screwed because of terrorism. We aren't screwed because of global warming, greenhouse gases, or violent video games. Alcohol, drugs, pornography, those are just harmless vices. It's not hurricanes, Halliburton, or Hussein, that will be our downfall. None of these things matter in the least, because our ultimate demise began and will end with Steve Urkel.

Once Urkel got big it was all over. Urkel made Hollywood realize that the public would swallow whatever they were fed. Why waste money being creative and clever? It opened the floodgates and what poured in was a disaster. Now we are subjected to overweight B celebrities being yelled at by drill sergeants. Whorish women pretending to be in love with washed up rap stars, just to get 15 minutes of fame. Talentless oafs humiliating themselves, singing off key, and having their dignity stomped on by an even less talented oaf. Ditzy debutantes and their purse puppies working the window at a Tasty Freeze. The list goes on forever but when celebrities started lacing up those ice skates I just snapped.

Movies are no better. In fact they may even be worse. Through my connections at the CIA I managed to intercept a memo that was secretly passed to the head of every major movie production house in Hollywood. What you are about to see has never been made public before. I put my life in jeopardy right now by sharing it with you but it must be seen. I'm sure those who wrote it will deny having anything to do with it.

May 17, 1998
Memorandum to all Production House Execs
From:
Subject: Stupid Sells

Gentlemen,
In the interest of our continuing plan to make money first, and entertain last the following will be the only types of movies made from here forward
1. Movies based on bad 1970's television shows
2. Sequels
3. Prequels
4. Movies based on Comic Books
5. Movies with Adam Sandler
6. Movies with wizards
7. Movies about The End of the World**

**The World must end (or face the threat of ending) as a result of
a)alien invasion b)A natural disaster(i.e. asteroid, earthquake, flood etc.)

Big Momma's House 2 was tops at the box office last weekend.....Coincidence?

Since this memo was written the top grossing movies in Hollywood were....
Star Wars Episodes I, II, and III (prequels and sequels)
Spiderman 1&2 (Comic Book and sequel)
LOTR I, II, III (Wizards and sequels)
Harry Potter 1-4 (Wizards and sequels)
War of the Worlds, Armageddon, The Day After tomorrow (End of the World)

They may have been wrong about Adam Sandler and 70's TV but that hasn't stopped them.

Here are 5 movies I can guarantee will be made before 2010.
1. The A-Team--Starring Ian McKellan as Hannibal
Heath Ledger as Murdock
Scott Bakula as Face
and Ving Rhames as B. A. Baracus

2. Lethal Weapon 5--After discovering Jesus and going completely off the deep end, Riggs(Mel Gibson) decides that he can no longer be Murtaugh's (Danny Glover) partner because he's black. Riggs then spends the next hour of the movie berating Leo Getz(Joe Pesci) for his peoples involvement in the death of Christ. Tormented by the delay of the rapture and his ongoing battle with cigarettes, Riggs finally accomplishes what he couldn't in the original Lethal Weapon and kills himself.

3.The Hobbit--The Lord of the Rings Trilogy made over a billion dollars and that was just in the theaters. If you think that New Line Cinema isn't going to make the prequel you probably spend your time watching skating with celebrities.

4.Sanford and Son--Starring Morgan Freeman as Sanford
and Chris Rock as Son

5.Urkel and Adam--Adam Sandler and Steve Urkel are roommates and hilarity ensues. What the hell.....Sandler is on the memo and you can't go wrong with Urkel.

My final grievance is with celebrities crossing genres. Humphrey Bogart is arguably the best actor of all time. Humphrey Bogart was famous and talented because he could act. However he didn't abuse his fame and talent by attempting to put out a hit record or dance the Nutcracker Suite. So why does every celebrity today feel that they can abuse their fame by subjecting you to things they have no talent at. Jessica Simpson should stick to singing. Hulk Hogan is a fine wrestler but I don't need to see him playing dad on VH1. Paris Hilton's only talent seems to be being born rich and attractive and yet she has movies, TV shows, a CD, a line of clothing, and a chain of night clubs. She should have stuck to being rich and attractive, that's what she's good at. Know your limits and stick to your specialty. Can you imagine an OBGYN popping in on a brain surgery. "Hey, Dr. Goldberg(neurosurgeon), I totally rocked a cesarean this morning and I thought I'd test my medical skills elsewhere. Pass me the scalpel and bone saw so I can cut this dude's head open." Stick to what you're good at please. There's a reason Urkel's jazz quintet only sold 17 copies.

One Boy's Love of Cereal

POSTED BY EL SHAZZARINO, GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

What kind of sick irresponsible parent lets their kid eat Cookie Crisp? Admittedly when I was a young buck I couldn't get enough sugary cereals. Give me a goofy cartoon spokesperson and a box full of marshmallows (On a side note the marshmallows in cereal aren't really marshmallows at all. They seem to be sugar cubes colored and shaped to look like anything from a purple horseshoe to a blue ghost.) and I'm in heaven. The more artificial they made a cereal look, the more I wanted it. Let's be honest there are definitely colors in a box of fruity pebbles that don't exist in nature, unless you consider a toxic waste spill a naturally occurring event. Yes, give me a self loathing rabbit who refuses to grow up, a paranoid leprechaun, a psychedelic toucan, or an obviously intoxicated cuckoo bird and I will be at their command.

Kids have never had a chance against the evil cereal corporations. Are Kellogg's and General Mills really any better than Phillip Morris and RJ Reynolds(In fact I researched it and General Mills isn't even a real General). One could argue that the cereal makers offer healthy options as well. To that I say that the cigarette companies offer light and even ultra light now. You may say that second hand smoke harms those who don't even smoke. Well I don't know about you, but I've taken a shard of captain crunch in the eye and dammit IT HURTS!

The truth is kids are ill equipped to combat the barrage of sneaky tactics from cigarette or cereal corporations. They are in it for the buck and they'll do whatever it takes to get kids hooked on their version of crack. This is why the parents are our last line of defense. So I again pose the question.....What kind of parent lets their kid eat cookie crisp?

The problem is we live in a world where people eat dessert for breakfast. How can a parent who goes to starbucks every morning for a double tall vanilla late and a triple fudge brownie, tell his kid to eat a half a grapefruit. And are people so aloof as to not realize the big Entenmann's scam. People, just because someone put the word coffee in front of the word cake, doesn't mean that they've found a nutritious breakfast to have along side your coffee. It's cake! Okay! You're eating a piece of cake for breakfast. Muffins, Donuts, Danish (a doughnut with no hole), twinkies, sno balls, nutty bars when did these become part of your complete breakfast. Oh do I love that saying..."It's part of your complete breakfast". How did advertisers slip this one past us. Cigarettes, coffee, and a mini milky way bar, they're part of your complete breakfast. Are mom's really buying into it when Barney Rubble tells them that cocoa pebbles are part of their complete breakfast. What the hell is the matter with people. Complete doesn't mean anything, it's an empty modifier. If I don't eat breakfast than air is part of my complete breakfast, in fact it's all of my complete breakfast. My friend had 3 shots of tequila and a bagel this morning, so 3 shots of tequila was part of his complete breakfast.

I like cereal, to this day I love it. These days I eat healthy cereal. I like muesli and granola and puffed wheat. Maybe I grew out of my desire for sugared cereal. Maybe I only wanted them when I was young because my mom wouldn't keep it in the house. She may have her flaws but she wasn't dumb or blind. She was sharp enough to realize that modifying the word cookie with the word crisp, doesn't change the fact that you're feeding your child a bowl of cookies for breakfast.

The fastest I ever ran was the morning my little sister was born. At some point during the night my parents had left for the hospital and my grandma had come to the house to look after me and my brother. I slept through all of this. What woke me was my brother bursting into my room and screaming. What did he scream that made me spring out of bed and set my own personal record for land speed travel? It wasn't that we had a baby sister or that there had been complications at the hospital. No, he screamed "Dee Dee is throwing away all the cereal!" She claimed there were ants in the boxes. I still don't know if there were. But I swear to Allah, that with my 5 year old legs I made it down 14 stairs in three steps. Don't fuck with my cereal, not then, not now, not ever.

My five favorite cereals of all times(in no particular order)....
1.Buck Wheats (no longer made)
2.Team Flakes (no longer made )
3.Crispy Wheats N' Raisins (I believe no longer made)
4.Double Dip Crunch (a.k.a. double crunch) (no longer made)
5.Cocoa Krispies (mainly for the chocolate milk that's left behind)

Three Cereals I'd like to see on shelves
1. O.J. Crunch--A mix of crunchy heisman trophies, 3s, 2s, and buffalo bills insignias. Combined with marshmallow Officer Nordberg badges, bloody daggers, and black gloves
2. Dubya Krispies--The box tells you that its sweet puffs of corn and rice. In truth its salted Iraqi toenails seasoned and packaged by Halliburton. Labs have confirmed this but the administration still insists that they are sweet puffs of corn and rice (at least that's what their intelligence tells them.)
3. Tobacc-O's--A smooth mild flavor rolled into crunch cylinders. Also available in menthol.

Ill close by saying that many people have poured beer over cereal at one point in there life. Possibly because there was no milk, but more likely because they were hungover and thought it would be funny. My point is, that anyone who tells you that they enjoy beer on cereal is a liar and you should never trust a word they say. Believe me. I've had beer on cereal, it tastes like shit.