Where Are They Now? An Interview with Gargamel

Gargamel circa 1985

Gargamel present day

In our ongoing attempt to bring original content to our readers, we've tracked down a very special guest for this week's post. He's a man/wizard that really needs no introduction (but I'll give him one anyway). He's everyone's favorite bad guy from the 80's cartoon "The Smurfs". And now we have him for an exclusive, unplugged one on one interview with Gaining Weight Editor, Brad Kaplan.


Brad Kaplan: Gargamel, How are you, my friend?


Gargamel: I've been unsuccessfully hunting Smurfs for decades, my show was cancelled back when you were Bar Mitzvahed, I'm bald, my clothes are ratty and my cat died. How well do you think I am?


BK: Fair enough, fair enough. So what have you been doing since the show was cancelled?


G: To be honest, it's been a tough run. It's one thing trying to bring down The Smurfs when I was getting a fat paycheck every week. Once the money stopped rolling in it seemed somewhat silly. I went down to Jamaica for about 6 months and opened up a parasailing business. The customers just didn't respond to me. Plus, I'm bald. And pasty. Needless to say it wasn't a great climate for a guy like me. I was spending more on sunscreen per day than I was on weed and prostitutes. When I came back, I had been evicted from my castle--although I've still managed to squat there for the last 20 plus years.


BK: Wow, that's tough. But with all due respect, I know you and if you approached me on the beach in a bathing suit, I'd probably quickly retreat in the other direction. So what did you do when you got back?


G: A little of this and a little of that. My desire to kidnap, torture and eat Smurfs really never waned and hasn't to this day quite honestly. But I found other things to do. I sold insurance for awhile. I found I had quite a knack for telemarketing. And threatening to put spells on prospective customers was a decent technique. Sometimes fear is an effective tool in sales. I still have my license if you want me to work up some numbers for you. At your weight, life insurance or disability might make some sense. Why don't......

BK: I think we're getting off topic, Gargs. And I'm pretty well covered. Why don't you tell me about the final days of the TV show?


G: You know, I felt it deserved another year. To the average viewer I know I came off as a bumbling idiot. But I was close to catching a Smurf, maybe all of the Smurfs. They are smaller and more deceptive than they appeared on TV. Damn it all. Just one more season. I would have had my breakthrough. I butted heads with the producers about this. They even considered bringing in what they felt would have been a more competent villain, but the focus group results really supported me. I even offered to take a pay cut. One more season and I would have had my glory (maniacal laughing)!!!! I just know it! I even told them if I did capture and eat a Smurf on Saturday morning children's television, they could do a three episode arc with me on trial. It would have been captivating television. I would have taken any type of punishment for the pleasure of consuming one loathsome Smurf--public flogging, guillotine, any type of humiliation. I just wanted to eat a Smurf. I still do.


BK: You know Gargamel, I'm not a judgmental guy, but some might say that's a pretty weird fetish.


G: How dare you, Kaplan! You're really going to mess with me. You cowardly, stocky Jewish bastard. You've never been in a fight in your entire life and all of a sudden you're going street on Gargamel. Do you know who the %@!@ I am? I can turn you into a hamster, I can give you small pox, maybe a bad paper cut. All with the snap of my fingers!!!!


BK: Actually, I watched your work for almost a decade and came away largely unimpressed. No disrespect though.


G: Who are you to say eating Smurfs is a fetish? I've been to Shaw's Crab House with you and have seen you consume dozens of oysters. It's like you're making love to them. How is that better?


BK: Kind of a weird gray area we've entered, as I do love oysters and have admittedly eaten some weird, exotic stuff in my day. But I've never seen a Smurf on a restaurant menu. We should probably move on. I've always wondered about your name. Gargamel. Is that a first name or last name?

G: Wow, you're really getting personal. OK, I'll give you my story. I was born Arthur Goldberg. I was raised in a middle class Jewish home. I was a frail, whiny, self loathing tween. My father couldn't stand me or my heavyset, overbearing mother and ran off with his secretary. I didn't have a father figure and I was a wussyish boy. Wussier than the other wussy Jewish kids that used to pick on me in Hebrew school, beat me with a shofar and steal my hamentashen. Wussy--that's a good word. Anyhow, I used to vow revenge on them--I'm a big revenge guy, but I was too spineless to actually do anything. I was kind of a loner as you might imagine. I did a lot of science fiction type reading and was interested in wizards. I knew The Hobbit by memory. I also masturbated many times a day, but I suppose that's not relevant. I wasn't much of a student, but I managed to get into University of Michigan, which I believe to be a poor school, despite it's critical acclaim. I flunked out within a year. I was working the grill at a local fast food restaurant and reading Mad Magazine in my spare time. At one point, I saw an advertisement for Wizard school and the rest is history. I went every Tuesday night and was moderately competent at wizardry. I knew that my destiny was to become a middling wizard at that point. Arthur Goldberg wasn't a great mediocre wizard's name so I came up with Gargamel. I was a fan of Art Garfunkel so it was kind of a tribute to him. Paul Simon sucks by the way.

BK: So just Gargamel?

G: My formal name change was to Gargamel Cornelius Jackson, but I haven't used either Cornelius or Jackson since 1977. At the time I was trying to create a potion to turn me into a bad ass mofo. I figured if I ever became an African American Hoops Star or got cast in a hard hitting action movie, I'd go by G. Cornelius Jackson. Didn't pan out though. So it's Gargamel. Just Gargamel.

BK: So how'd you go from night wizard school to living in a run down castle in the middle of nowhere obsessed with capturing Smurfs?

G: I never had much self confidence to begin with. When I reached my late 20's I started balding and that didn't really help my sense of self image. They didn't have Propecia or transplants or anything like that back then. Imagine, had there been Propecia 3 decades ago my whole life could have been different. I became more and more isolated from society during those years. And I got a kitten as most viewers know. That type of housing and setting just seemed conducive to my lifestyle.

BK: Yet it wasn't happily ever after for you?

G: Ha! Obviously not. Happiness is a mythical thing. Just like eating a Smurf probably is a mythical thing. But it could have been a peaceful existence were it not for those reprehensible Smurfs. Damn those blue bastards!!!! Their ridiculous way of life, their enthusiasm, their silly names and that despicable Papa Smurf!!! If you're not a man that knows how to hide the matzah, do me a favor, don't call yourself "Papa"!! I know you're with me on that, Kaplan! The way they use "smurf" as a noun, verb and adjective--get over your freaking selves!!!!! MOTHER @^@^@&@ SMURFS!!!!! @#%^&$#*$@#$%^&%#$$#@!&&@!@#$!^^!! (unrecognizable swearing)!!!!!!

Wow. I need to calm myself down. Deep breaths. OK. OK. I was always a bit eccentric, but living so close to their Utopian society really drove me mad. The fact that the public responded to them so much, made me even more insane. And violent. I was never a violent guy. But they way these goofy blue creatures were showered with attention--somebody needed to put an end to it. And the fact that I was made to play the fool at their expense....well, Gargamel just didn't want to go out like that.

BK: Well, Gargamel, I appreciate the time that you've spent. It's still somewhat early--you want to hit up Shaw's for some oysters and beer? My treat...

G: Are you going to buy that insurance from me?

BK: Uhhh, no.

G: Go @^#% yourself, Kaplan.

BK: Fair enough.