Michael Phelps: No Swimming for Three Months. No Weed Either.

So what is the downside to enjoying getting high as a motherfucker?

My favorite part of the Michael Phelps story is his punishment. "USA Swimming suspends Michael Phelps for 3 months." It's clear that based on the suspension Phelps will be unable to swim for 3 months. It's unclear whether the suspension prohibits him from being photographed while taking bong hits.


Outside of that, here is my major issue/question regarding this "suspension". The last time I checked the Olympics are once every 4 years. Since we just polished off an Olympics this past summer, by my estimation we don't have another one scheduled for 3 and a half years. This previous summer's events being somewhat of an exception, no one really cares about the Olympics. I certainly don't. If NBC can barely get people interested in watching swimming DURING THE ACTUAL OLYMPICS, how does it make a bit of difference if a SWIMMER gets suspended THREE AND A HALF YEARS prior to his next event that anyone even moderately cares about. Seriously, what does a 3 month suspension starting in February 2009 even mean?

1) No Pool Parties--Poor Michael is going to have to sit in a chaise lounge and stare longingly at his friends as they splash and frolic around in the pool. They're going to be whooping it up playing pool volleyball, seeing who can hold their breath the longest, diving for nickels in the deep end, doing cannonballs off the side and seeing who can create the biggest splash with their belly flops. USA Swimming is like the mean parent that won't let their kid go in right after eating.

2) No Marco Polo for 3 months--How dare they? For all of Michael's Olympic achievements, he is most proud of his Marco Polo skills. Michael barely has to call out the requisite "Marco" to find his prey. By the time the other participants respond with "Polo", you better believe a pursuing Phelps is already there to make a quick tag. And he's even better when he's on the "Polo" side of things. He once participated in a celebrity Marco Polo game and Mark Spitz was the "Marco" guy to Phelps' "Polo". Spitz tried to hunt down Phelps for almost 4 hours with no success. Though Spitz denies it, rumor has it that he actually opened his eyes a little bit before finally catching Phelps, a huge "No-No" when playing this game.

3) He's supposed to go to Florida to visit his grandparents in March--What's he possibly going to do every day? All the other grandkids are going to be out at the pool and poor Michael is going to be stuck in the condo watching General Hospital. His grandma did say they could go to the flea market one day, so I guess that will be pretty good. And they always go to Jai Alai one night which should be fun. There are supposedly some sales going on at Town Center Mall that he'll probably check out. And they do have a Tony Roma's pretty close to where his Nonny and Poppy live, so that will be a treat. Still, not being able to swim is disappointing.

4) He can shower, but no bathing--USA Swimming is really trying to send a message with this one. As part of Phelps' punishment, he is not allowed to take baths during his three month suspension. They've even installed cameras in the bathrooms at his house, his girlfriends apartment and his mom's place to better enforce this ruling. He was given 48 hours to turn in all of his rubber duckies and any other bath toys in his possession. I heard Phelps just purchased a new box of Mr. Bubble within the last few weeks which will completely go to waste. He IS allowed to shower once a day, but only for the sole purpose of cleaning. Washing his face and brushing his teeth are also permissible activities. He is allowed to drink water. Gargling is on the banned list for reasons that are unclear at the time of this reporting.


So all of you kids out there reading, take this as your cue to learn a valuable lesson from this important role model. If you like bubble baths, if you like playing basketball on one of those novelty swimming pool hoops, if you like jumping off the high dive (no pun intended), if you like swimming at your grandma's pool until your hands get all "pruney"--I advise you, I implore you--SAY NO TO DRUGS!!!