Why Steve Urkel Is Famous And I Never Will Be

POSTED BY EL SHAZZARINO, GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

I'm done with Hollywood. Flat out done. I can't take it anymore. I don't know if the problem is, that all of the creative juices have been squeezed out of the proverbial orange of the the entertainment industry, or if they just stopped trying. But at some point in the last 10 years, the powers that be decided that wherever the biggest profits were, that's what would be made. Every shred of integrity, taste, and allegiance to their artform has been washed away in a sea of crap!

"Skating With Celebrities"? Doesn't that say it all? I'm going to try to avoid getting overly vulgar in this post, but this whole issue gets my blood boiling hotter than a habanero pepper. Skating with Fucking Celebrities! It has to be a joke I thought to myself. It's some sort of weird psychological experiment that the government is orchestrating to see if there's even a microfraction of intelligence left on this planet. I can just picture the board meeting of the secret world government. They sat around smoking cigars, snorting lines of cocaine, sniffing glue, and chuckling haughtily. "If 'Skating With Celebrities' survives a season on the air, we will have confirmation that the vast majority of people populating our planet, have the IQ of a vacuum cleaner bag." I know if I secretly ran the world, this would be useful information to me. I'd figure, if I can sell the masses "Skating with celebrities", I can pretty much sell them anything. Then I'd truly have the world by the short and curlies.

Well I have a message to those who wish to continue cramming these shit burgers down my throat. "I'm on to your little game!" The rest of the world may have bought into your creationism, your fictitious deities, and your goddamn reality television, but I'm not. I'm too smart for you. My intelligence will forever shield me from your insanity (which you've convinced the world is sane). My intelligence will protect me until the day your so called rapture comes. When you're being beamed up to heaven to skate with celebrities, I'll be laughing with the devil in our fiery hell, watching re-runs of Cheers, knowing I got the better of you bastards. My intelligence will be my impenetrable forcefield. Unfortunately my intelligence will forever keep me from being famous, and It's all Steve Urkel's fault!

If I hiked my pants up past my bellybutton, put on some big goofy glasses, snorted when I laughed, and acted generally annoying, would it be funny? The answer is a resounding NO! It wouldn't be funny if I did it, and it wasn't funny when Jaleel White did it. But this idiot Urkelnation, thought it was funny, and that's why we're all going to hell on a handcart. This country and planet isn't screwed because we have a bafoonish, alcoholic, coke addict President who believes he talks to God on the telephone. We aren't screwed because of terrorism. We aren't screwed because of global warming, greenhouse gases, or violent video games. Alcohol, drugs, pornography, those are just harmless vices. It's not hurricanes, Halliburton, or Hussein, that will be our downfall. None of these things matter in the least, because our ultimate demise began and will end with Steve Urkel.

Once Urkel got big it was all over. Urkel made Hollywood realize that the public would swallow whatever they were fed. Why waste money being creative and clever? It opened the floodgates and what poured in was a disaster. Now we are subjected to overweight B celebrities being yelled at by drill sergeants. Whorish women pretending to be in love with washed up rap stars, just to get 15 minutes of fame. Talentless oafs humiliating themselves, singing off key, and having their dignity stomped on by an even less talented oaf. Ditzy debutantes and their purse puppies working the window at a Tasty Freeze. The list goes on forever but when celebrities started lacing up those ice skates I just snapped.

Movies are no better. In fact they may even be worse. Through my connections at the CIA I managed to intercept a memo that was secretly passed to the head of every major movie production house in Hollywood. What you are about to see has never been made public before. I put my life in jeopardy right now by sharing it with you but it must be seen. I'm sure those who wrote it will deny having anything to do with it.

May 17, 1998
Memorandum to all Production House Execs
From:
Subject: Stupid Sells

Gentlemen,
In the interest of our continuing plan to make money first, and entertain last the following will be the only types of movies made from here forward
1. Movies based on bad 1970's television shows
2. Sequels
3. Prequels
4. Movies based on Comic Books
5. Movies with Adam Sandler
6. Movies with wizards
7. Movies about The End of the World**

**The World must end (or face the threat of ending) as a result of
a)alien invasion b)A natural disaster(i.e. asteroid, earthquake, flood etc.)

Big Momma's House 2 was tops at the box office last weekend.....Coincidence?

Since this memo was written the top grossing movies in Hollywood were....
Star Wars Episodes I, II, and III (prequels and sequels)
Spiderman 1&2 (Comic Book and sequel)
LOTR I, II, III (Wizards and sequels)
Harry Potter 1-4 (Wizards and sequels)
War of the Worlds, Armageddon, The Day After tomorrow (End of the World)

They may have been wrong about Adam Sandler and 70's TV but that hasn't stopped them.

Here are 5 movies I can guarantee will be made before 2010.
1. The A-Team--Starring Ian McKellan as Hannibal
Heath Ledger as Murdock
Scott Bakula as Face
and Ving Rhames as B. A. Baracus

2. Lethal Weapon 5--After discovering Jesus and going completely off the deep end, Riggs(Mel Gibson) decides that he can no longer be Murtaugh's (Danny Glover) partner because he's black. Riggs then spends the next hour of the movie berating Leo Getz(Joe Pesci) for his peoples involvement in the death of Christ. Tormented by the delay of the rapture and his ongoing battle with cigarettes, Riggs finally accomplishes what he couldn't in the original Lethal Weapon and kills himself.

3.The Hobbit--The Lord of the Rings Trilogy made over a billion dollars and that was just in the theaters. If you think that New Line Cinema isn't going to make the prequel you probably spend your time watching skating with celebrities.

4.Sanford and Son--Starring Morgan Freeman as Sanford
and Chris Rock as Son

5.Urkel and Adam--Adam Sandler and Steve Urkel are roommates and hilarity ensues. What the hell.....Sandler is on the memo and you can't go wrong with Urkel.

My final grievance is with celebrities crossing genres. Humphrey Bogart is arguably the best actor of all time. Humphrey Bogart was famous and talented because he could act. However he didn't abuse his fame and talent by attempting to put out a hit record or dance the Nutcracker Suite. So why does every celebrity today feel that they can abuse their fame by subjecting you to things they have no talent at. Jessica Simpson should stick to singing. Hulk Hogan is a fine wrestler but I don't need to see him playing dad on VH1. Paris Hilton's only talent seems to be being born rich and attractive and yet she has movies, TV shows, a CD, a line of clothing, and a chain of night clubs. She should have stuck to being rich and attractive, that's what she's good at. Know your limits and stick to your specialty. Can you imagine an OBGYN popping in on a brain surgery. "Hey, Dr. Goldberg(neurosurgeon), I totally rocked a cesarean this morning and I thought I'd test my medical skills elsewhere. Pass me the scalpel and bone saw so I can cut this dude's head open." Stick to what you're good at please. There's a reason Urkel's jazz quintet only sold 17 copies.