One Boy's Love of Cereal
POSTED BY EL SHAZZARINO, GUEST CONTRIBUTOR
What kind of sick irresponsible parent lets their kid eat Cookie Crisp? Admittedly when I was a young buck I couldn't get enough sugary cereals. Give me a goofy cartoon spokesperson and a box full of marshmallows (On a side note the marshmallows in cereal aren't really marshmallows at all. They seem to be sugar cubes colored and shaped to look like anything from a purple horseshoe to a blue ghost.) and I'm in heaven. The more artificial they made a cereal look, the more I wanted it. Let's be honest there are definitely colors in a box of fruity pebbles that don't exist in nature, unless you consider a toxic waste spill a naturally occurring event. Yes, give me a self loathing rabbit who refuses to grow up, a paranoid leprechaun, a psychedelic toucan, or an obviously intoxicated cuckoo bird and I will be at their command.
Kids have never had a chance against the evil cereal corporations. Are Kellogg's and General Mills really any better than Phillip Morris and RJ Reynolds(In fact I researched it and General Mills isn't even a real General). One could argue that the cereal makers offer healthy options as well. To that I say that the cigarette companies offer light and even ultra light now. You may say that second hand smoke harms those who don't even smoke. Well I don't know about you, but I've taken a shard of captain crunch in the eye and dammit IT HURTS!
The truth is kids are ill equipped to combat the barrage of sneaky tactics from cigarette or cereal corporations. They are in it for the buck and they'll do whatever it takes to get kids hooked on their version of crack. This is why the parents are our last line of defense. So I again pose the question.....What kind of parent lets their kid eat cookie crisp?
The problem is we live in a world where people eat dessert for breakfast. How can a parent who goes to starbucks every morning for a double tall vanilla late and a triple fudge brownie, tell his kid to eat a half a grapefruit. And are people so aloof as to not realize the big Entenmann's scam. People, just because someone put the word coffee in front of the word cake, doesn't mean that they've found a nutritious breakfast to have along side your coffee. It's cake! Okay! You're eating a piece of cake for breakfast. Muffins, Donuts, Danish (a doughnut with no hole), twinkies, sno balls, nutty bars when did these become part of your complete breakfast. Oh do I love that saying..."It's part of your complete breakfast". How did advertisers slip this one past us. Cigarettes, coffee, and a mini milky way bar, they're part of your complete breakfast. Are mom's really buying into it when Barney Rubble tells them that cocoa pebbles are part of their complete breakfast. What the hell is the matter with people. Complete doesn't mean anything, it's an empty modifier. If I don't eat breakfast than air is part of my complete breakfast, in fact it's all of my complete breakfast. My friend had 3 shots of tequila and a bagel this morning, so 3 shots of tequila was part of his complete breakfast.
I like cereal, to this day I love it. These days I eat healthy cereal. I like muesli and granola and puffed wheat. Maybe I grew out of my desire for sugared cereal. Maybe I only wanted them when I was young because my mom wouldn't keep it in the house. She may have her flaws but she wasn't dumb or blind. She was sharp enough to realize that modifying the word cookie with the word crisp, doesn't change the fact that you're feeding your child a bowl of cookies for breakfast.
The fastest I ever ran was the morning my little sister was born. At some point during the night my parents had left for the hospital and my grandma had come to the house to look after me and my brother. I slept through all of this. What woke me was my brother bursting into my room and screaming. What did he scream that made me spring out of bed and set my own personal record for land speed travel? It wasn't that we had a baby sister or that there had been complications at the hospital. No, he screamed "Dee Dee is throwing away all the cereal!" She claimed there were ants in the boxes. I still don't know if there were. But I swear to Allah, that with my 5 year old legs I made it down 14 stairs in three steps. Don't fuck with my cereal, not then, not now, not ever.
My five favorite cereals of all times(in no particular order)....
1.Buck Wheats (no longer made)
2.Team Flakes (no longer made )
3.Crispy Wheats N' Raisins (I believe no longer made)
4.Double Dip Crunch (a.k.a. double crunch) (no longer made)
5.Cocoa Krispies (mainly for the chocolate milk that's left behind)
Three Cereals I'd like to see on shelves
1. O.J. Crunch--A mix of crunchy heisman trophies, 3s, 2s, and buffalo bills insignias. Combined with marshmallow Officer Nordberg badges, bloody daggers, and black gloves
2. Dubya Krispies--The box tells you that its sweet puffs of corn and rice. In truth its salted Iraqi toenails seasoned and packaged by Halliburton. Labs have confirmed this but the administration still insists that they are sweet puffs of corn and rice (at least that's what their intelligence tells them.)
3. Tobacc-O's--A smooth mild flavor rolled into crunch cylinders. Also available in menthol.
Ill close by saying that many people have poured beer over cereal at one point in there life. Possibly because there was no milk, but more likely because they were hungover and thought it would be funny. My point is, that anyone who tells you that they enjoy beer on cereal is a liar and you should never trust a word they say. Believe me. I've had beer on cereal, it tastes like shit.
What kind of sick irresponsible parent lets their kid eat Cookie Crisp? Admittedly when I was a young buck I couldn't get enough sugary cereals. Give me a goofy cartoon spokesperson and a box full of marshmallows (On a side note the marshmallows in cereal aren't really marshmallows at all. They seem to be sugar cubes colored and shaped to look like anything from a purple horseshoe to a blue ghost.) and I'm in heaven. The more artificial they made a cereal look, the more I wanted it. Let's be honest there are definitely colors in a box of fruity pebbles that don't exist in nature, unless you consider a toxic waste spill a naturally occurring event. Yes, give me a self loathing rabbit who refuses to grow up, a paranoid leprechaun, a psychedelic toucan, or an obviously intoxicated cuckoo bird and I will be at their command.
Kids have never had a chance against the evil cereal corporations. Are Kellogg's and General Mills really any better than Phillip Morris and RJ Reynolds(In fact I researched it and General Mills isn't even a real General). One could argue that the cereal makers offer healthy options as well. To that I say that the cigarette companies offer light and even ultra light now. You may say that second hand smoke harms those who don't even smoke. Well I don't know about you, but I've taken a shard of captain crunch in the eye and dammit IT HURTS!
The truth is kids are ill equipped to combat the barrage of sneaky tactics from cigarette or cereal corporations. They are in it for the buck and they'll do whatever it takes to get kids hooked on their version of crack. This is why the parents are our last line of defense. So I again pose the question.....What kind of parent lets their kid eat cookie crisp?
The problem is we live in a world where people eat dessert for breakfast. How can a parent who goes to starbucks every morning for a double tall vanilla late and a triple fudge brownie, tell his kid to eat a half a grapefruit. And are people so aloof as to not realize the big Entenmann's scam. People, just because someone put the word coffee in front of the word cake, doesn't mean that they've found a nutritious breakfast to have along side your coffee. It's cake! Okay! You're eating a piece of cake for breakfast. Muffins, Donuts, Danish (a doughnut with no hole), twinkies, sno balls, nutty bars when did these become part of your complete breakfast. Oh do I love that saying..."It's part of your complete breakfast". How did advertisers slip this one past us. Cigarettes, coffee, and a mini milky way bar, they're part of your complete breakfast. Are mom's really buying into it when Barney Rubble tells them that cocoa pebbles are part of their complete breakfast. What the hell is the matter with people. Complete doesn't mean anything, it's an empty modifier. If I don't eat breakfast than air is part of my complete breakfast, in fact it's all of my complete breakfast. My friend had 3 shots of tequila and a bagel this morning, so 3 shots of tequila was part of his complete breakfast.
I like cereal, to this day I love it. These days I eat healthy cereal. I like muesli and granola and puffed wheat. Maybe I grew out of my desire for sugared cereal. Maybe I only wanted them when I was young because my mom wouldn't keep it in the house. She may have her flaws but she wasn't dumb or blind. She was sharp enough to realize that modifying the word cookie with the word crisp, doesn't change the fact that you're feeding your child a bowl of cookies for breakfast.
The fastest I ever ran was the morning my little sister was born. At some point during the night my parents had left for the hospital and my grandma had come to the house to look after me and my brother. I slept through all of this. What woke me was my brother bursting into my room and screaming. What did he scream that made me spring out of bed and set my own personal record for land speed travel? It wasn't that we had a baby sister or that there had been complications at the hospital. No, he screamed "Dee Dee is throwing away all the cereal!" She claimed there were ants in the boxes. I still don't know if there were. But I swear to Allah, that with my 5 year old legs I made it down 14 stairs in three steps. Don't fuck with my cereal, not then, not now, not ever.
My five favorite cereals of all times(in no particular order)....
1.Buck Wheats (no longer made)
2.Team Flakes (no longer made )
3.Crispy Wheats N' Raisins (I believe no longer made)
4.Double Dip Crunch (a.k.a. double crunch) (no longer made)
5.Cocoa Krispies (mainly for the chocolate milk that's left behind)
Three Cereals I'd like to see on shelves
1. O.J. Crunch--A mix of crunchy heisman trophies, 3s, 2s, and buffalo bills insignias. Combined with marshmallow Officer Nordberg badges, bloody daggers, and black gloves
2. Dubya Krispies--The box tells you that its sweet puffs of corn and rice. In truth its salted Iraqi toenails seasoned and packaged by Halliburton. Labs have confirmed this but the administration still insists that they are sweet puffs of corn and rice (at least that's what their intelligence tells them.)
3. Tobacc-O's--A smooth mild flavor rolled into crunch cylinders. Also available in menthol.
Ill close by saying that many people have poured beer over cereal at one point in there life. Possibly because there was no milk, but more likely because they were hungover and thought it would be funny. My point is, that anyone who tells you that they enjoy beer on cereal is a liar and you should never trust a word they say. Believe me. I've had beer on cereal, it tastes like shit.
posted by El Shazzarino at 10:08 AM
2 Comments:
LMAO...
I taught my little one well...we were at the store the other day. cereal isle. he said...mama, the ones with pretty colors and characters are the ones that have all that stuff that sucks...if you eat them, it will kill you...really slow. right??
the look on people's faces? priceless.
yeah, like my evil parents, i teach by scaring the shit out of my child.
ahhhhh...the vicious cycle.
btw. don't you think an Osama Wheaties box would be way cool?
Here are some links that I believe will be interested
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