WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT? (a tribute to the most obscure song lyrics of the 70s & 80s)
POSTED BY EL SHAZZARINO, GUEST CONTRIBUTOR
American's love lists, American's love countdowns, and American's especially love rankings. Lebanese-American Casey Kasem (born Kemal Amin Kasem) is the founder and Godfather of the countdown. He changed his name, to avoid being profiled and strip searched at the airport. From 1970 until 2004 he hosted the "American Top 40" radio program, which laid the foundation for every list and countdown program in American history (That's right "10 best commercials of 1999", you're just a Kasem doppelganger).
Casey's charismatic style, extensive knowledge, and hypnotic voice spawned a Marxistlike following. I myself, recall tuning in every Sunday morning on the way to Sunday School. The carpool would invariably catch songs 37-35 on the way there, and be treated to the top 3 on the way home. This being long before the internet existed, week in and week out I was never able to find out what songs filled slots 40-38 and 34-4.
Kasem reigned supreme in the countdown world until the beginning of the 21st century. It was around this time that cable television was facing a harsh truth. They had so many channels and so little to air. What followed was an endless barrage of B-movies, re-runs of old television series, and my nemesis reality television (See http://notinbookershouse.blogspot.com/2006/02/why-steve-urkel-is-famous-and-i-never.html ). While this shitstorm of second rate programming rained down upon the unsuspecting viewer, one revolutionary network was retooling. VH1 had already begun to steer away from it's dull beginnings of just airing music videos. "Behind The Music" was giving VH1 all kinds of street cred, with it's dramatic theme music and roller coaster ride through the lives of our favorite musicians. One could argue that the show was somewhat elitist because only musicians who had battled through drug and alcohol abuse were worthy candidates to be featured. Yet, despite the exclusionary nature of the show, VH1 had earned loads of programming currency, the only question was what to spend it on.
Enter the countdown show! 100 Greatest Teen Stars, 40 Most Awesomely Bad #1 Songs,40 Most Awesomely Bad Breakup Songs, 40 Most Awesomely Bad Dirrty Songs...Ever, 40 Most Awesomely Bad Love Songs, 40 Most Awesomely Bad Metal Songs...Ever, 10 Most Excellent Things, 100 Sexiest Artists, 25 Greatest Protest Songs, and the list goes on and on and on.
I have no particular grievance with countdown shows. In fact I find myself watching and trying to predict what their top 10 will be. Then I determine what my personal top 10 would be. Frankly(yet embarrassingly), I get excited when they agree with me.
Casey Kasem pioneered it, VH1 revitalized it, and so many other cable networks (ESPN, E!, The History Channel, TV Land, TCM, etc.) copied it. Now, I will join the ranks and create my own countdown. Out of respect to Casey Kasem it will be music based. Since VH1 has covered just about every music countdown topic imaginable, it will have to be obscure. Most importantly it will need a kick ass title. So without further ado I give you......
WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT?
(a countdown of the most obscure song lyrics of the 70s & 80s)
THE 70s
I'm no poet laureate but I love music. I really listen to the lyrics and appreciate the depth of great songwriters. I like to think that although I don't understand poetry at all, I do generally understand the deeper meaning of songs. Here are 5 that I don't understand.
5. JOY TO THE WORLD-Three Dog Night (Naturally-1970)
Lyrics:
Jeremiah was a bullfrog
Was a good friend of mine
I never understood a single word he said
But I helped him a-drink his wine
And he always had some mighty fine wine
My Interpretation:
The artist is singing about a friend of his from France. He's a frog, has mighty fine wine, and is difficult to understand. Sounds like a Frenchman to me. It was nice of him not to call his friend smelly too.
4. PARKER'S BAND-Steely Dan (Pretzel Logic-1974)
Lyrics:
You'll be riding by, bareback on your armadillo
You'll be grooving high or relaxing at Camarillo
Suddenly the music hits you
It's a bird in flight that just can't quit you
My Interpretation:
First, Steely Dan gets honorable mention for most obscure lyrics by any band all time. Despite the obscurity, I have managed to figure out most of their songs through excessive listening. That said I have no idea what they're talking about here. I know what an armadillo is and Camarillo is a city in California I believe. What a tangled web that Donald Fagan weaves.
3. LOOKIN OUT MY BACK DOOR-Creedence Clearwater Revival (Cosmo's Factory-1970)
Lyrics:
There's a giant doing cartwheels, a statue wearin' high heels.
Look at all the happy creatures dancing on the lawn.
A dinosaur victrola list'ning to buck owens.
Doo, doo, doo, lookin' out my back door.
Tambourines and elephants are playing in the band.
Won't you take a ride on the flyin' spoon?
Doo, doo doo.
Wond'rous apparition provided by magician.
Doo, doo, doo, lookin' out my back door.
My Interpretation:
Let me preface by saying that I believe it's a cop out to look at song lyrics and simply state "they must have been on drugs when they wrote this". However, they must have been on drugs when they wrote this. He's looking out his back door while tripping on mescaline?
2. BARRACUDA-Heart (Little Queen-1977)
Lyrics:
You met the porpoise and me
No right no wrong, selling a song-
A name, whisper game.
If the real thing don't do the trick
You better make up something quick
You gonna burn burn burn burn it to the wick
Ooooooh, barracuda?
My Interpretation:
I think that Heart was comprised of some fairly empowered women. So I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that Barracuda is a metaphor for men who prey on women. These lyrics represent the line of bullshit that men use to get women in bed. As for the porpoise, I'll go ahead and assume it's a colloquialism for vagina.
PAUSE FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK TO PEAK THE VIEWER'S INTEREST AND ANTICIPATION....
1. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY-Queen (A Night at the Opera-1975)
Lyrics:
I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the fandango-
Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me-
Galileo,galileo,
Galileo galileo
Galileo figaro-magnifico
My Interpretation:
A small skinny man named Scaramouche is trying to buy movie tickets online. He marvels at his lightning fast internet connection and screams "Galileo" (for some odd reason) as his credit card is accepted. This song was very forward thinking.
THE 80S
The music of the 80s didn't have the depth of the 70s. It was a bubble gum era and the music was shallow and meaningless. There were some catchy tunes, but the lyrics left little to the imagination. Here's the most complex of the simple.
5. 99 LUFTBALLON(Nena-1984) & ROCK ME AMADEUS(Falco-1986)
Lyrics:
Sprechen Ze Deutch?
My Interpretation:
I feel that these two songs deserve honorable mention. Despite being entirely in German both of these songs reached the peak of popularity in the U.S. Since I don't speak German the meaning of these lyrics completely elude me. Ill go out on a limb though and say Falco is singing about Mozart and Nena is singing about balloons.
4. SLEDGEHAMMER-Peter Gabriel (So-1986)
Lyrics:
You could have a steam train, If you'd just lay down your tracks
You could have an aeroplane flying, If you bring your blue sky back
All you do is call me
I'll be anything you need
You could have a big dipper, Going up and down, all around the bends
You could have a bumper car, bumping, This amusement never ends
I want to be your sledgehammer
My Interpretation:
The fact that he inexplicably switches to Spanish and says aeroplane vexes me. Is it just because he wants that extra syllable? I'm equally puzzled by his bizarre transition from constellations to bumper cars. Perhaps this song is just a gross abuse of popularity. I never thought of Peter Gabriel as arrogant, but the truth is I don't know the man. Maybe he just figured his fans would swallow nonsense because he is so beloved. That or he just wants to fix all our problems. Does the sledgehammer have any meaning? Would the overall message of the song change if he was our allen wrench, our phillips head screwdriver, or our ball peen hammer?
3. ILL TUMBLE 4 YA-Culture Club (Kissing To Be Clever-1982)
Lyrics:
Downtown we'll drown
We're in our never splender
Flowers, Showers
Who's got the new boy gender
I'll be your baby
I'll be your score
I'll run the gun for you
And so much more
I'll tumble 4 ya, I'll tumble 4 ya, I'll tumble 4 ya, I'll tumble 4 you
My Interpretation:
Nothing moves me more than a love story. And no love is more pure than the love of a gymnast for his coach. Boy George's metaphors are so subtle and sneaky you can barely see the balance beam and pummel horse behind the lyrics. Keep tumbling for me George.
2. ELECTRIC AVENUE-Eddy Grant (Killer on the Rampage-1982)
Lyrics:
Who is to blame in one country
Never can get to the one
Dealin' in multiplication
And they still can't feed everyone, oh no
We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Oh we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
My Interpretation:
Eddy Grant was just sticking it to the Church. This song may well have been written as an ad for Trojan condoms. The only message I can find here is "use birth control". Who knew that behind his smooth beats and intoxicating rhythm, Eddy Grant was so politically charged. Take it higher Eddy, Take it higher!
DRUMROLL PLEASE......THE MOST OBSCURE LYRICS OF THE 1980s COME FROM THE SONG....
1. THE REFLEX-Duran Duran (Seven & The Ragged Tiger-1983)
Lyrics:
So why don't you use it
Try not to bruse it
Buy time don't lose it
The reflex is an only child, he's waiting in the park
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover isn't that bizarre
My Interpretation:
I'm guessing that in the first three lines he's talking about his erect penis. The second section leads me to believe he's some sort of perverted pederast hiding in the park, waiting for an unsuspecting child to molest. I never realized Duran Duran were so edgy and obscene. What really disturbs me is that I sang along with this song as a boy. You violated me Duran Duran, you sick European bastards.
American's love lists, American's love countdowns, and American's especially love rankings. Lebanese-American Casey Kasem (born Kemal Amin Kasem) is the founder and Godfather of the countdown. He changed his name, to avoid being profiled and strip searched at the airport. From 1970 until 2004 he hosted the "American Top 40" radio program, which laid the foundation for every list and countdown program in American history (That's right "10 best commercials of 1999", you're just a Kasem doppelganger).
Casey's charismatic style, extensive knowledge, and hypnotic voice spawned a Marxistlike following. I myself, recall tuning in every Sunday morning on the way to Sunday School. The carpool would invariably catch songs 37-35 on the way there, and be treated to the top 3 on the way home. This being long before the internet existed, week in and week out I was never able to find out what songs filled slots 40-38 and 34-4.
Kasem reigned supreme in the countdown world until the beginning of the 21st century. It was around this time that cable television was facing a harsh truth. They had so many channels and so little to air. What followed was an endless barrage of B-movies, re-runs of old television series, and my nemesis reality television (See http://notinbookershouse.blogspot.com/2006/02/why-steve-urkel-is-famous-and-i-never.html ). While this shitstorm of second rate programming rained down upon the unsuspecting viewer, one revolutionary network was retooling. VH1 had already begun to steer away from it's dull beginnings of just airing music videos. "Behind The Music" was giving VH1 all kinds of street cred, with it's dramatic theme music and roller coaster ride through the lives of our favorite musicians. One could argue that the show was somewhat elitist because only musicians who had battled through drug and alcohol abuse were worthy candidates to be featured. Yet, despite the exclusionary nature of the show, VH1 had earned loads of programming currency, the only question was what to spend it on.
Enter the countdown show! 100 Greatest Teen Stars, 40 Most Awesomely Bad #1 Songs,40 Most Awesomely Bad Breakup Songs, 40 Most Awesomely Bad Dirrty Songs...Ever, 40 Most Awesomely Bad Love Songs, 40 Most Awesomely Bad Metal Songs...Ever, 10 Most Excellent Things, 100 Sexiest Artists, 25 Greatest Protest Songs, and the list goes on and on and on.
I have no particular grievance with countdown shows. In fact I find myself watching and trying to predict what their top 10 will be. Then I determine what my personal top 10 would be. Frankly(yet embarrassingly), I get excited when they agree with me.
Casey Kasem pioneered it, VH1 revitalized it, and so many other cable networks (ESPN, E!, The History Channel, TV Land, TCM, etc.) copied it. Now, I will join the ranks and create my own countdown. Out of respect to Casey Kasem it will be music based. Since VH1 has covered just about every music countdown topic imaginable, it will have to be obscure. Most importantly it will need a kick ass title. So without further ado I give you......
WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT?
(a countdown of the most obscure song lyrics of the 70s & 80s)
THE 70s
I'm no poet laureate but I love music. I really listen to the lyrics and appreciate the depth of great songwriters. I like to think that although I don't understand poetry at all, I do generally understand the deeper meaning of songs. Here are 5 that I don't understand.
5. JOY TO THE WORLD-Three Dog Night (Naturally-1970)
Lyrics:
Jeremiah was a bullfrog
Was a good friend of mine
I never understood a single word he said
But I helped him a-drink his wine
And he always had some mighty fine wine
My Interpretation:
The artist is singing about a friend of his from France. He's a frog, has mighty fine wine, and is difficult to understand. Sounds like a Frenchman to me. It was nice of him not to call his friend smelly too.
4. PARKER'S BAND-Steely Dan (Pretzel Logic-1974)
Lyrics:
You'll be riding by, bareback on your armadillo
You'll be grooving high or relaxing at Camarillo
Suddenly the music hits you
It's a bird in flight that just can't quit you
My Interpretation:
First, Steely Dan gets honorable mention for most obscure lyrics by any band all time. Despite the obscurity, I have managed to figure out most of their songs through excessive listening. That said I have no idea what they're talking about here. I know what an armadillo is and Camarillo is a city in California I believe. What a tangled web that Donald Fagan weaves.
3. LOOKIN OUT MY BACK DOOR-Creedence Clearwater Revival (Cosmo's Factory-1970)
Lyrics:
There's a giant doing cartwheels, a statue wearin' high heels.
Look at all the happy creatures dancing on the lawn.
A dinosaur victrola list'ning to buck owens.
Doo, doo, doo, lookin' out my back door.
Tambourines and elephants are playing in the band.
Won't you take a ride on the flyin' spoon?
Doo, doo doo.
Wond'rous apparition provided by magician.
Doo, doo, doo, lookin' out my back door.
My Interpretation:
Let me preface by saying that I believe it's a cop out to look at song lyrics and simply state "they must have been on drugs when they wrote this". However, they must have been on drugs when they wrote this. He's looking out his back door while tripping on mescaline?
2. BARRACUDA-Heart (Little Queen-1977)
Lyrics:
You met the porpoise and me
No right no wrong, selling a song-
A name, whisper game.
If the real thing don't do the trick
You better make up something quick
You gonna burn burn burn burn it to the wick
Ooooooh, barracuda?
My Interpretation:
I think that Heart was comprised of some fairly empowered women. So I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that Barracuda is a metaphor for men who prey on women. These lyrics represent the line of bullshit that men use to get women in bed. As for the porpoise, I'll go ahead and assume it's a colloquialism for vagina.
PAUSE FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK TO PEAK THE VIEWER'S INTEREST AND ANTICIPATION....
1. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY-Queen (A Night at the Opera-1975)
Lyrics:
I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the fandango-
Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me-
Galileo,galileo,
Galileo galileo
Galileo figaro-magnifico
My Interpretation:
A small skinny man named Scaramouche is trying to buy movie tickets online. He marvels at his lightning fast internet connection and screams "Galileo" (for some odd reason) as his credit card is accepted. This song was very forward thinking.
THE 80S
The music of the 80s didn't have the depth of the 70s. It was a bubble gum era and the music was shallow and meaningless. There were some catchy tunes, but the lyrics left little to the imagination. Here's the most complex of the simple.
5. 99 LUFTBALLON(Nena-1984) & ROCK ME AMADEUS(Falco-1986)
Lyrics:
Sprechen Ze Deutch?
My Interpretation:
I feel that these two songs deserve honorable mention. Despite being entirely in German both of these songs reached the peak of popularity in the U.S. Since I don't speak German the meaning of these lyrics completely elude me. Ill go out on a limb though and say Falco is singing about Mozart and Nena is singing about balloons.
4. SLEDGEHAMMER-Peter Gabriel (So-1986)
Lyrics:
You could have a steam train, If you'd just lay down your tracks
You could have an aeroplane flying, If you bring your blue sky back
All you do is call me
I'll be anything you need
You could have a big dipper, Going up and down, all around the bends
You could have a bumper car, bumping, This amusement never ends
I want to be your sledgehammer
My Interpretation:
The fact that he inexplicably switches to Spanish and says aeroplane vexes me. Is it just because he wants that extra syllable? I'm equally puzzled by his bizarre transition from constellations to bumper cars. Perhaps this song is just a gross abuse of popularity. I never thought of Peter Gabriel as arrogant, but the truth is I don't know the man. Maybe he just figured his fans would swallow nonsense because he is so beloved. That or he just wants to fix all our problems. Does the sledgehammer have any meaning? Would the overall message of the song change if he was our allen wrench, our phillips head screwdriver, or our ball peen hammer?
3. ILL TUMBLE 4 YA-Culture Club (Kissing To Be Clever-1982)
Lyrics:
Downtown we'll drown
We're in our never splender
Flowers, Showers
Who's got the new boy gender
I'll be your baby
I'll be your score
I'll run the gun for you
And so much more
I'll tumble 4 ya, I'll tumble 4 ya, I'll tumble 4 ya, I'll tumble 4 you
My Interpretation:
Nothing moves me more than a love story. And no love is more pure than the love of a gymnast for his coach. Boy George's metaphors are so subtle and sneaky you can barely see the balance beam and pummel horse behind the lyrics. Keep tumbling for me George.
2. ELECTRIC AVENUE-Eddy Grant (Killer on the Rampage-1982)
Lyrics:
Who is to blame in one country
Never can get to the one
Dealin' in multiplication
And they still can't feed everyone, oh no
We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Oh we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
My Interpretation:
Eddy Grant was just sticking it to the Church. This song may well have been written as an ad for Trojan condoms. The only message I can find here is "use birth control". Who knew that behind his smooth beats and intoxicating rhythm, Eddy Grant was so politically charged. Take it higher Eddy, Take it higher!
DRUMROLL PLEASE......THE MOST OBSCURE LYRICS OF THE 1980s COME FROM THE SONG....
1. THE REFLEX-Duran Duran (Seven & The Ragged Tiger-1983)
Lyrics:
So why don't you use it
Try not to bruse it
Buy time don't lose it
The reflex is an only child, he's waiting in the park
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover isn't that bizarre
My Interpretation:
I'm guessing that in the first three lines he's talking about his erect penis. The second section leads me to believe he's some sort of perverted pederast hiding in the park, waiting for an unsuspecting child to molest. I never realized Duran Duran were so edgy and obscene. What really disturbs me is that I sang along with this song as a boy. You violated me Duran Duran, you sick European bastards.
posted by El Shazzarino at 2:59 PM
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