The "Fat" Man

Fat Albert--Bill Cosby's Big Boned Alter Ego.

Jake and The Fatman--Fatman was the co-star on this moderately successful 80's drama.

Fat Bastard--"Get in my Belly!!"

Minnesota Fats--pool shark played by Jackie Gleason in "The Hustler"

Fats Domino--50's rock and roll legend

Lafayette "Fat" Lever--underrated 1980's Denver Nugget guard who turned out 4 of the best statistical seasons in NBA history from 1986-1990.

Jared "Fats" Shapiro????--could he be the next member in a long line of great "Fat" men?

Given my overly reclusive nature, I've surprisingly had many friends with many nicknames over the years. I've been friends with a Boob, a Buddha, a Rooster, a Q-Dog, a Fixer, a Formanto and even an EG Green. I've enjoyed the use of all of these names, yet there was always a part of me that longed for more. There is a name out there that is the true gold standard of nicknames and any other name really fails to compare. The name I'm referring to is "Fat" or "Fats". Whether you use the singular or plural version this is the nickname by which all other nicknames should be measured. There have been many great "Fats" in history (as illustrated above) and I've sadly never had a relationship with any of them. As I enter my twilight years and continue to associate with less and less people, I've come to the realization that I may never have a "Fats" in my life. Saddened by this truth, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. I went through my rolodex of friends in an attempt to find someone worthy of this billing. This friend would need to embody everything the name "Fats" stood for. He'd have to be able to carry on the legacy of other great "Fat" men that came before him. After much introspection and analysis, I came up with only one friend that I thought may be able to live up to the title. My friend, Jared Shapiro, is a Fat Man. But does he have what it takes to be the "Fat" Man? Before we anoint him "Fats", I thought that out of respect to this great name, that we should take a moment to review his resume.

I. APPEARANCE

Over the years, Jared's appearance has been broken down, scrutinized, made fun of and over analyzed to the point where my friends and I have ultimately exhausted the topic. Yet I'm going to break it down one final time. Consider this the definitive and final work on the subject. When breaking down Jared's appearance it really comes down to two parts--his head and the rest of his body. We'll start with....

A. His Body--Jared once described himself as shaped like a pear.

SIDENOTE: "The Pear" is actually an often used nickname and a pretty good one at that. I actually considered keeping him out of the "Fats" sweepstakes, because he already had a pretty solid nickname. In the end though, I had to give him the opportunity to go for his dream name. It's kind of like Roy Williams leaving Kansas to coach North Carolina. Kansas is a storied program and was certainly a great job, but at the end of the day it just wasn't North Carolina. "The Pear" is a great nickname, but "Fats" might just be his destiny.

So back to my pear shaped friend. For anyone that can't quite visualize what a pear shaped body looks like, I'll give you another illustration. Jared really looks like famous McDonald's character, Grimace. His day to day actions might say "I'm the Hamburglar", but his body SCREAMS, "I'm Grimace". Either way, it's safe to say that he knows his way around a Big Mac. If you're tired of the pear references and can't visualize Grimace, he also bears resemblance to a Weeble Wobble. And if none of these comparisons are working for you, I can tell you that his body is more or less shaped like a Christmas Tree. That is, a Christmas tree with the biggest tree topper star on top in the history of mankind. Which brings us to....

B. His head--Saying Jared's head is big is like saying Blagojevich is a bad Governor. While technically accurate, it's not really telling the entire story. Jared's head gets compared to a melon and rightfully so. Once again, clarification is necessary. The truth is, Jared's head makes a cantaloupe look like a tangerine by comparison. If you want to compare his head to a watermelon however, well, now you're talking (but only if you're talking about one of those humongous watermelons that can easily feed all of the employees at a Fortune 500 company's summer picnic). You'd think a big noggin like this must have a big brain inside. I don't subscribe to this theory. I personally think it carries a regular sized brain that is surrounded by a few dozen pounds of chopped liver, italian meats and thanksgiving stuffing that he's stockpiled over the years.

II. HIS WORK HISTORY

Jared's formative years were spent working as a waiter at Don's (a local diner in the Livingston, NJ area). While Don's was always a very successful establishment, ownership noticed that their profits were down by a staggering amount from 1991-1993 (not surprisingly, the same timeline as Jared's tenure). Long time customers that came in for large portions of comfort food were taken aback by how skimpy the plates had gotten all of a sudden. Common complaints included:

• "I'm used to getting a heaping platter of chicken fingers and fries. Why does this plate only have one and a half chicken fingers and a few streaks of ketchup on it?"

• "Why is my double cheeseburger half eaten?"

• "Waiter, you and I are not on a date, and I didn't ask for 2 straws with my milkshake."

• "Sir, is that my chicken pot pie you're wearing on your shirt and chin?"

Eating off of the customers' plates wasn't the only issue. One night when Jared was a junior in high school, his Mother woke up at 2 in the morning and realized that her son wasn't home. Worried that he had gotten into some type of trouble she quickly called the police. After an exhaustive search of the area, Jared was finally located at Don's. He had fallen asleep in the walk in fridge. He had passed out with nothing but a big spoon and a 50 gallon tub of Rocky Road ice cream that he just about polished off. It took his Mom two days to get the hot fudge out of his hair.

Even after the "Don's incident", Jared still hadn't gotten food service out of his system. He went off to college and quickly ran for the position of Kitchen Steward at our fraternity house. Jared's love of pork constantly came to the forefront and was suffice it to say "controversial" in our all Jewish house. This controversy came to a head at a Sunday night meal when the brothers found the only offerings available to them that evening were ham or salami sandwiches. While Jared tried to defend his position by claiming that these meats were "turkey based" his credibility was shot. He sadly resigned his position in shame later that week.

A year or so later, after his ego had mended, Jared decided to take a waiter position at Damon's Ribs. This experience was almost like coming out of the closet for him. At Damon's, he had nothing to hide and could wear his love of swine proudly. It was a true place of acceptance for Jared and he could really be himself for once. As expected, Jared thrived in this setting. Sure his customers didn't always get their fries, but they loved his enthusiasm just the same. He was a rising star within the Damon's system and if it weren't for an ill timed angioplasty that was a result of eating nothing but baby back ribs for an entire semester, the sky certainly would have been the limit for him there.

III. OTHER MISCELLANEOUS NOTES

-His dream is to someday host a dinner party and serve chopped liver out of his belly button.

-He believes that gefilte fish should be highlighted on the menu at every reputable seafood restaurant.

-On vacation, he initiates the "early dinner rumors" conversation before breakfast is completed.

-He developed a restaurant concept that only features Bar Mitzvah type appetizers. And it would have been successful if it wasn't all you can eat and if he wasn't a customer there.

-He created the concept of the "Guest Carver". This involves having VIP "guests" (usually stocky Dad's or celebrities) getting to do honorary shifts "carving" (prime rib, turkey, roast beef, etc) at medium to large functions. He actually presented this idea to our friends' parents during the planning of our graduation dinner. Although it was a close vote, it was ultimately rejected (damn you, Bill Shane).

-He contemplated trading one of his children for a platter of pigs in a blanket and his own personal make your own sundae bar. He ultimately thought better of it.

-He once tried to convince me to fly to Acapulco for lunch, because he was in the mood for a Kafka Burger (which Jared describes as a "taste explosion in his mouth").

-He authored a well received essay on how to strategically place yourself near the kitchen at weddings in order to maximize the number of passed appetizers you can consume in a 1 hour window.

-He often dreams of carving his own Gyros while shirtless.

-He is notorious for arriving 2 hours in advance for the Forman Super Bowl Party (which is known for both quality and quantity of food) to get a headstart on the eating, even though it is a six hour game.

-He likes Chips Ahoy cookies more than most people.

IV. ACHIEVEMENTS

He once ate a 96 ounce steak that he cooked himself at a restaurant in Madison called Prime Quarter. His picture is still on the wall there.

V. REFERENCES

Pretty much anyone that's ever been at a table with him when onion rings or nachos were served.

So Jared, after careful review and thoughtful analysis, a verdict has been rendered. It is with great pride and pleasure, that I now anoint you the newest "Fats". Whether you choose to go by "Fat Jared" or "Fats Shapiro" is entirely up to you. Just know that I'm proud to call you my "Fat" friend. Wear this crown well (even though it probably won't fit on your gigantic melon). And please try not to get barbeque sauce on it.