Jarlsberg versus Gouda--The Tale of the Tape

POSTED BY BK

The Battle of the Cheeses!!!! Like Ohio State vs.Michigan, Rocky vs. Drago, Democrats vs. Republicans--not hardly. This is more like Kaplan vs. Sensible Eating, Shapiro vs. Gallinson (when will they ever see eye to eye?), Frishberg vs. Bailey, Frishberg vs. Markowitz (Dale), Kaplan vs. Mangoubi, Ben Kaplan vs. Ludwig, Linds Kaplan vs. Mikey Jacobs, you get my meaning.

So let me be clear--why am I matching up the Gouda versus the Jarls? These aren't my favorite cheeses (those are more the roquefurt, gorgonzola, quality aged cheddar and the harder aged italian varieties). We're discussing Gouda and Jarlsberg, because to me, they represent the first move into higher end cheeses. As a college senior (SEEEEEEEEEEENIORS!), I had 3 roommates (Beltzman, Shapiro and Forman). The 4 of us used to do our grocery shopping as a group and split the bill 4 ways. Shapiro and I made it a mission of ours to always sneak one higher end cheese into the cart under Beltzman and Forman's noses. This typically involved a 3 step process:

1) Obtain temporary control of the cart and strategically place the cheese underneath a larger item within said cart.

2) At the checkout line, run diversion/interference while the checkout gal scanned the cheese. This usually involved introducing the idea of an after grocery shopping meal at Spurs (Biggggg Salads and Biggg Drinks!) at the precise, critical moment (it sounds easier than it was).

3) Making sure that the receipt ended up in the right hands (ours), so that it could be discarded to avoid later audit and scrutiny.

So our system was down. But which cheese would we pick? Gouda or Jarlsberg? Jarlsberg or Gouda? It's amazing that 2 college students would go to such lengths to obtain a $9 cheese. I think it was more than the cheese. The cheese represents something bigger. Much bigger. What that is, I have no idea....

So which cheese? I've created some different categories and by plugging both Gouda and Jarlsberg into each of these categories, we'll come up with our winner. Without further ado...

TASTE--Regular Gouda is a mild, creamy, lighter tasting cheese. Sometimes it has a slightly nutty, smoky flavor. Jarlsberg is a sweeter, sharper taste. It's nutty flavor is less pronounced than Gouda. Basically it tastes like awesome Swiss Cheese. I love Swiss Cheese. The Pick: Jarlsberg

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN: Gouda comes from the city of Gouda in the Netherlands. I like the Dutch ("What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway? I think its Dutch"). Also there was a guy in my 4th grade class named Pieter Herman. Dutch fellow. Pretty good guy. Looked like a 4th grade version of Rik Smits (was he Dutch? I think so). Even though Jarlsberg is the world's most famous "baby swiss" cheese, it's actually a product of Norway. I don't have much to say about Norway, other than I took a Scandinavian Literature class my Freshman year of college (SS RODLEY) and I enjoyed the class. However, it took place on the top of Bascom Hill. Getting up that hill in January was the type of walk that made a man crave a good piece of Jarlsberg when he completed it. The Pick: Gouda

TEXTURE: Gouda is a semi-soft cheese. By that I mean its firm on the outside, but softer as you cut it or bite into it. Sometimes it has that harder rind with the smoky flavor (depending on how long it's aged). The exterior and interior of the cheese, has a kind of yin and yang thing going on that provides a contrast in texture and flavor which is sometimes highly enjoyable or sometimes makes you sick to your stomach. Jarlsberg is a firmer, denser cheese. It has the hole formation like a swiss cheese, which looks strikingly similar to my brothers chest (aka: The Holy Moly). The Pick: Jarlsberg

SMELL: Jarlsberg has a perfectly lovely and unintimaditing odor. It doesn't have the pungent smell of a lot of bleu cheeses. Gouda has a very smoky flavor, it almost smells like bacon. That's never bad. (In fact, why isn't there a bacon cologne? a bacon shampoo? Wouldn't there be a market for these products?) The Pick: Gouda

NAME: This is a tough one. Clearly, Gouda is great. Rolls right of the tongue. Its great to use in sentences in exchange for the word good (Example: Question: "Brad, how was work today?" Answer: "It was gouda"). Jarlsberg doesn't have the same cache on the surface. However, when shortened to Jarls it's a lot more catchy. Especially when you stretch out the first syllable (Jaaaaaaaaaaarls). Try it the next time you've had a couple drinks. It's a pretty good word. Still, as gouda as Jarls is, it's not as gouda as Gouda. The Pick: Gouda

MELTABILITY: Jarlsberg gives you a good even melt (Think a turkey reuben, with extra tasty cheese). Gouda melts ok and the melting accentuates the smoky, bacon flavor (a plus), but you have to have a pretty good toaster to get the center to melt through consistently. I have no such toaster. The Pick: Jarlsberg

VERSATILITY: I read online that Jarlsberg can be used as a Table Cheese (I love the sound of this, I'd like a table made of cheese), a Sandwich Cheese and a Dessert Cheese. It goes well with Wine, Beer and Aquavit. I've heard of Aquavit, but never really tried it. Here is the definition from dictionary.com-- A strong clear Scandinavian liquor distilled from potato or grain mash and flavored with caraway seed. That's it--I'm going out to get a bottle (I'll for sure hate it and it will sit in my cabinet until I move, but I'm dying to have a small glass right now). Gouda is apparently also a Table Cheese and a Dessert Cheese. It is good with fruit and wine. My friend Jon "Jack" Stillman bought me a condiment called Mostarda Senapata which is basically a jam, only not especially fruity. Its made of Balsamic Vinegar, Mustard, Pears and Quinces. It's fantastic on Gouda. Screw it though, I'm more of a sandwich guy. The Pick: Jarlsberg

APPEARANCE: Both cheeses are easy on the eyes. Gouda comes in that waxy package, usually red wax (kind of like that gross candy that you get in those clear plastic bags at the drug store. You know, those wax sticks that you bite into and pour that vile sweet liquid down your throat. I always hated that stuff). Gouda, though, is great to peel into and take apart. Jarlsberg comes in a big ass triangular block that is kind of what George Costanza longs for in the "Summer of George" episode. The Pick: Gouda

DECISION: Well, I created 8 categories and we're deadlocked at 4 for each cheese. So it boils down to this....I'm going to my refrigerator for a snack, which cheese do I want? It's a no brainer--the clear winner is Jaaaaaaaaaaarlsberg. Afterall, it's just Gouda. (Bring on the Aquavit).