A History of Inedible Cookies

POSTED BY LINDSAY, GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

To me, there's nothing better than a good cookie. Some may look forward to going to Joe's when the stone crab is in season and not cryogenically frozen, I look forward to going to Mrs. Fields at the Merchandise Mart when the Manager's Specials are 2 for 1. There's only one person that appreciates cookies as much as me and her name is Kristyn "Bad Ass" Kaplan. Granted, she judges the quality of a restaurant based on whether or not they serve cotton candy, nevertheless, she'll do as a witness for this intricate study. I have tried many cookies in my life, some good, some bad and some that looked like Dudley. The following are my top five favorites:
1) Smiley Face Cookie-Diamond Bakery, West Bloomfield, MI USA
2) Double Doozy-Great American Cookie Company, Bloomington, IN USA
3)M&M-Frances' Deli, Chicago, IL USA
4)Nutella Cookie-Some bakery in Florence, Italy, Europe
5)Chocolate Chunk-Eatzi's, Anywhere USA

My love for cookies has admittedly caused a major problem for me. The problem is not that I am so addicted that I would snort cookie powder if given to me, the problem, is something much more serious. Every time I have encountered someone with the name Cookie in my 23 years, my heart skips a beat. Undeserving? No question. Unappreciative? Without a doubt. In my opinion, the only people that deserve to have the name Cookie are myself, Bad Ass and that guy from Sugar Rush with the dreadlocks. Obviously it's not as common of a name as Kip or Ned, but I've found a few of them and have created a small analysis of the great inedible Cookies throughout history.

Cookie Monster
You all know him. He's furry, he's blue and he's been around the block a few times. I've never actually heard him say anything other than "Me Want Cookie", unless you count the violent chewing sounds he makes as he's shoving them in his puppet mouth. I mean, any character whose sole responsibility is to eat cookies, I have to respect. He seems to do alright for himself. I don't know what rent is like on Sesame Street these days but he must not spend much money on clothes, and his blue outfit doesn't look too shabby after what, 40 years?

Cookie Jarvis
Well, I'm not sure if Cookie is his real name, or if it's a nickname based on his athletic eating capabilities. At a curvy 419 pounds, Jarvis holds the most food contestant titles of anyone in the world.
Here are some examples:

Cannoli: 21 cannoli / 6 minutes
Chicken Fingers: 2 pounds, 2.5 ounces Hooter's chicken wings / 5 minutes
Chicken-Fried Steak: 6 11-ounce chicken fried steaks with country gravy/ Lone Star Cafe / 12 minutes/ Nov. 2, 2003
Corned Beef & Cabbage: Five Pounds Freirich Corned Beef & Cabbage / 10 Minutes/ Mar. 16, 2004
Dumplings: 91 Chinese dumplings / 8 minutes
French Fries: 4.46 pounds Nathan's Famous Crinkle Cut Fries / Six Minutes/ March 31, 2005
Grapes: 8 Pounds, 15 Ounces Grapes/ Smirnoff Twisted V Wild Grape / 10 Minutes/ Nov. 1, 2005
Ham & Potatoes: 6 pounds of Easter Feaster meal / 12 minutes
Ice Cream: 1 gallon, 9 ounces of vanilla ice cream / 12 minutes
Pasta: 6 2/3 pounds linguini (no. 115) / 10 minutes
Pomme Frites: 2 pounds 9 ounces of Pomme Frites / 8 minutes
Sweet Corn: 33 1/2 ears sweet corn/ Sweet Corn Fiesta / 12 minutes/ Apr. 24, 2004

What do you think was harder to down, the pommes frites or the french fries? I'm going to go with the pommes frites as they tend to have a rougher texture than french fries. Again, you have to respect someone who is admitting proudly that he weighs 419 pounds, but with all these stats, I'm thinking he would've chosen a name like Beef Stew Jarvis or Rack of Lamb Jarvis.

Cookie from City Slickers
Cookie, played by Tracey Walter, was the drunken ranch guy who died mid-way through the cattle drive. I guess the director of the movie didn't feel he needed a last name but he appeared to be a nice guy and seemed fine with being second or third banana to Billy Crystal. I see no direct correlation to Chips Ahoy, but maybe it was in the underlying message of the film.
(I have just been informed that Cookie did not in fact die in City Slickers, I confused him with Curly the trail boss. He did, however, break both of his legs.)

Cookie from Road Trip
The only reason I know this character existed is strictly because of the line, "Earl, Cookie, we have a situation." Cookie plays Kyle's mother and truthfully I don't even think she has any lines. She's purely there for decoration.

Cookie is not a name to be toyed with. I take it very seriously. These unworthy Cookie's have no business strutting around town as if they know what they're doing. And so friends, I remind you to consider the worthiness of the next Cookie you meet and decide if they're worthier than me (or Bad Ass).