It's Fun to say Shul

POSTED BY LINDSAY, GUEST CONTRIBUTOR
Let's face it. The high holidays (may have a different meaning if you're Benny Nuggs or Benny Kaplan two years ago) are nothing but a time to see your family and other Jews that you have no desire to see. If you belong to a Temple like Temple Israel, you'll relate to the scene of the high holiday services. 900 Jews fighting over parking their Lexus SUV's and BMW sedans, the fraudulent super Jews that opt to read a line of English in front of the congregation and consider themselves religious, and a cantor that plays guitar on the bimah and used to star on Broadway as Leopold Bloom (true story). The Kaplan family however, avoided these obstacles when I was growing up. Instead of fighting the hour long line to turn on to Walnut Lake Rd, we parked in the condominium complex next door and climbed over a mountain of grass as if we were sneaking into a Rolling Stones concert. Somehow, without fail, my dad always got us into the late service, crucial when you're fasting on Yom Kippur. Even more ironic was that we got the same section of seats every year. Brad and I have had an ongoing joke that I first noticed about five years ago. We all know the ritual of blowing the shofar; typically performed by another FSJ that wants to be Ray Charles for five minutes. The last calling of the shofar is Tekiah Gedolah, a single unbroken blast, essentially held until the dude is out of breath, followed by one short blast. Without fail, every year, directly after the short blast is blown, a gust of laughter fills the sanctuary. I don't get it. It's funny that this jackass on the bimah just combusted a long note through a rams horn and ended it with a short note? This is what you find humorous? I mean, my parents think Ali G is stupid but give them a shofar with opposing notes and they're slapping their knees like abusive husbands. And what kills me, is these stupid congregates hear it every year. It isn't new to you! Get over it! You know what's coming! Judaism where are you?