My Date with The Boob

POSTED BY BK
So last night I had a bachelors' evening with my friend, Scott Miller. His wife was out of town and my wife had her mom in, so it was a rare guys night out. This was an opportunity for an evening of gluttony in the form of doing tequila shots until we were no longer functional. It would be coupled with the debauchery of finding the seediest strip club within 60 miles of our whereabouts. At the very least we'd find a casino where the craps tables offer 100 x 1 odds on the come line. Yes, this was our night. We were going to smoke cigars that would make Castro jealous, find an underground poker club, maybe hop a plane to Vegas if the mood struck us. There was one problem--both Scott and I adhere to a strict 10 PM bedtime (different beds, mind you) and our bachelor night, would as expected, take on a different form of gluttony. We may not be able to take part in the activities described above, but we'd certainly have an evening of decadence.

The big question on our minds was where would this holiday feast take place. It was an important decision. We needed to choose a place that both his wife, Maxine, and my wife, Kristyn, would be remiss to go to. This would take a ton of thought, planning and deliberating in order to make the best possible decision. Here were the candidates we narrowed it down to:

1) Thai Lagoon--Down and dirty Thai Food. Very, very cheap. About 4 tables in the whole restaurant. Can have a meal that would feed 12 people (or the two of us on a night such as this) for under $40 for both of us, including tip. High quality stuff.

2) Angelica's Restaurant--An authentic Polish restaurant specializing in Cabbage Rolls, Pierogies and of course, Old Fashioned Butterflied Pork Chops.

3) Fat Willy's Rib Shack--A no frills barbeque joint featuring great ribs, chicken and brisket sandwiches with terrific homemade sauce.

4) Genarro's--Pound for Pound, the best Italian restaurant (and possibly the best restaurant, period) in Chicago. Home of my Bachelor Party. Seared Pork Chops with Peppers, Potatoes and Garlic. Braciole that your grandmother couldn't make nearly as well on a dare. Stuffed Melrose Peppers when in season. A restaurant that requires you be buzzed in to gain access. Pure brilliance.

5) Joy Yee Noodles--Chinese restaurant in a Chinese mall in Chinatown. Offers probably 400 dishes out of a kitchen that probably isn't much larger than mine. It is one of those places that has a photograph of every menu item and wax replicas of several of their entrees in the window. All of this is working against it, yet its ridiculously good. Great Korean Short Ribs. Terrific Mango Smoothies with enough tapiocas on the bottom to choke a small cow.

6) Kohan Japanese Restaurant--This is a new place that just opened near UIC that is a Japanese steakhouse that Boob wanted to try. Two things attraced me to this place. First, I thought it might be like Ginza in Madison which I haven't had since 1997 and it sounded pretty good. Second, the name was strikingly similar to "Kohen" which is a jewish tribe. When Kristyn was pregnant and there was a chance that we might have a boy, I was obsessed with the possibility of having a Pidyon Haben ceremony. In the Jewish Religion, this takes place for the First Born Son of a First Born Son (which I am, my Dad was, and my Papa Stan was). Basically, the first born son is technically property of the priesthood or Kohanim tribe and the family has to pay 5 shekels in order to redeem the son from the Kohen. So until we found out the sex of the baby, I was obsessed with finding a Kohen to perform the ceremony and to buy my son from. I asked every male jew I know what tribe they were (I'm a Levite). As it turns out, the Kohen are a pretty rare breed. Through my extensive search I found a grand total of two Kohanim--My Papa Morty, who passed away about 9 years ago (so he was out) and Donald Cohen (Donco) who lives in New Jersey (I live in Chicago). As everyone knows, we had a girl who I wouldn't trade for anything so it became a moot point. It would have been fun though to fly Donco into Chicago for the ceremony (according to my friend Jared, Donco knows this great Irish place that has unbelievable corned beef and I was hopeful that he might bring me a sandwich).

7) I don't know the name or location of this place--Scott wanted to go to this restaurant on the Southside that only serves apple fritters (apparently great apple fritters). I ruled this out, as I prefer salty foods over sweet.

Keep in mind none of these places would show up in Zagat's under highest rated anything. Pay it no mind. These may not be places where you'd take your lady for Valentine's Day, but for hard core eaters, you'd be hard pressed to find better dining options in all of Chicago.

Anyways, after a lot of back and forth, we decided to give Kohan a try. I failed to mention this earlier, but another draw to it was that its on Maxwell Street, right next to the Maxwell Street Polish Sausage stand (which should have been under consideration for our actual dinner). In the back of my mind I figured if the meal was a bust, I'd get a Polish for the car ride home.

So the rest of my story is somewhat anticlimactic as the meal was ok, but not especially memorable (although the company was first rate). The restaurant specialized in Hibachi and Sushi and naturally we each ordered both. Some of my other notes from the evening:

-Boob is an extremely slow eater (He makes Oren Fox seem like Kobayashi). Next time we go to dinner, I'm going to have him go at 6:00, I'll meet him at 8:30 and we'll still complete our meals at the same time.

-Boob made a comment to me that someone mistook him for a 23 year old recently. I found that hard to believe. Since there were a lot of college aged people at this restaurant (since it is on the UIC Campus), it got me to thinking. If you asked a sampling of patrons that didn't know either one of us, to guess whether we were UIC students or UIC professors, how do you think the majority would vote? I'd say no question, they'd guess professors. Afterall, we both wear glasses and are paunchy (frankly, in my opinion, the only thing missing would be matching tweed blazers with elbow patches). Boob apparently thinks he could still pass for a ZBT pledge (even if he did look 23, he acts 73, so that puts him at an age of at least 48). Anyone that wants to weigh in on this topic, be my guest....I've posted photos of both of us.

-I ordered a piece of white tuna nigiri and it was literally stark white (the color was comparable to a marshmallow, a piece of copy paper or Evan Gallinson's backside).

So as a final comment, Kohan is not really a restaurant I'd recommend to eat at or to find a Kohen at. Even with me languishing and watching the place clear out as Scott continued to clear his plate, he still managed to get me home before 10:00 (Good man). Boob and I have another date planned for this coming Friday and a better meal can be guaranteed. Also, Boob if you're reading this, try and show up at the restaurant on Wednesday (Thursday, at the latest) and start eating. I'll meet you Friday at 7:00.