Inaugural Address

POSTED BY BK

Thank you for reading my first ever post! Knowing my personality, more than likely this will concurrently be my last ever post! That being said, I better make this good....

I have titled this blog, "Gaining Weight without Exercise". The full title was actually going to be, "Gaining Weight without Exercise and Other Useless Nuggets (Chicken, not Benny) of Information that will serve No Purpose to Anyone." This website would only allow a limited number of characters for my title, so I had to go with the abridged version. Regardless, both the short title and the long title were not well thought out and I'm sure after stewing at it for awhile, I'll come up with a much wittier title, which I'll then change it to. God I loathe myself....

My mission statement for this blog:

Who am I kidding, I'm way too lazy to write an actual mission statement. Some bullet points (a technique I'm sure I'll keep coming back to on the off chance I stay committed to writing this blog ((I've never really used the word blog before--its pretty enjoyable))) that help breakdown my overview of what to expect from this BLOGGGGGGGG.

-I will probably use parentheses a great deal (see above paragraph). I will use these parentheses as a subtle attempt at humor (most probably will not find this funny). I will also at times use the double parentheses (as seen above). I've never used this before and am unsure whether it is a correct use of grammar. Regardless, it's enjoyable and I'm going with it. That gives me another bullet point as part of my quasi-mission statement...

-I intend to make the double parentheses a part of mainstream writing (this may be slightly ambitious, but no one is reading this anyway).

-I don't know how to actually display a "bullet point", so expect to see a lot of hyphens, which I will still refer to as "bullet points"

-Expect a lot of random sports references, particularly Wisconsin sports references. Case in point, I believe I titled the web address "Not In Booker's House" or something to that effect. Booker Coleman was a seldom used Center on the 1996-7 Wisconsin Basketball team. This is a team that I'm sure you don't recall unless you happen to be Jared Shapiro, Greg Sandler, Scott Miller (that guy just knows stuff) or possibly Pat Richter. To give you a quick synopsis, this was a team that was more interested in the nightly drink specials at BullFeathers than in converting a high percentage of free throws or understanding the nuances of the pick and roll. Nevertheless, they somehow had a great run at home that year culminated by beating Number 2 Minnesota, led by Bobby Jackson, to punch their ticket to the Big Dance (where they immediately bowed out to Tom Penders Texas' Club, although thats not really the point of the story ((come to think of it, there is no point to the story, but I digress))). It was this laissez faire attitude while still achieving success that made this club endearing. You certainly don't remember the players (I really don't either), but I know they were led by Sam Okey, Paul Grant, Ty Calderwood and of course, Booker. So back to Booker--Like most Wisconsin basketball players prior to the Bo Ryan era, he couldn't run, certainly couldn't shoot, couldn't dribble, couldn't really rebound. His one redeeming quality was that he was tall (as they say, you can't teach height). Still on the infrequent occassion that he got in the game, Book played with a swagger reserved for a man like Derrick Coleman, his long forgotten fake half brother. Now I'm not sure if this really happened, or if it is a fabrication of my collective group of college friends' imagination(s), but I'm pretty sure that Booker would wave his finger while on the court (in the same fashion of Dikembe Mutombo) as if to say "not in Booker's House". (Again, I said this blog would serve no purpose, and man, I'm delivering like hell so far....)

-There will be a lot of references to people that you do not know. In most cases, no explanation or background will be given. There will be inside jokes. You will be outside.

-I will talk about food. I will talk about food. I will talk about food. I may talk about wine and beer. I will talk about food some more. I will post grocery lists. I will discuss topics such as where to buy the best veggie cream cheese in a red state. I will give lists on topics such as ten restaurants you need to eat at before you die. I will tell you what to order off of certain menus. These should not be construed as opinion in any way, shape or form. My word on food is the final word. If you disagree, you're an idiot and you are wrong. I will talk about food.

-Sometimes I will treat readers in an adversarial manner. It will be funny.

-I will diet from time to time and chronicle these events. Make no mistake, I will not succeed at it. I may compete with some of my other out of shape friends in battles to lose weight. They will not succeed either.

-Also, I think a young Duany Duany was on that 1996-7 team. Maybe the worst shooter of all time, particularly as an underclassmen. On top of it, he was also a chucker that made George Costanza look like Mike Kelley by comparison.

-I will talk about creamy spinach, pastrami and aged cheeses. You should also.