Why I'm a Gruff Fan and not a Lions Fan

POSTED BY BK

Here's why--the NFL is crap. The official party line is that I was a Lions fan for 20 or so years(16 of which I remember), became disenchanted with the franchise's blundering ways capped off by the Wayne Fontes/Scott Mitchell/Barry Sanders (still the most overrated big game player in the history of football) era and decided to find a new team to support. I had a faux relationship with the Packers while in Madison, but that was purely superficial. It turns out my big problem wasn't with the Lions at all, it was with supporting a professional sports team in general. Even more so, it was with attending professional sporting events (no offense to my friends, Forman, Frishberg or Beags, all 3 of which revel in this activity). Maybe it's my inner Niles Crane, but it was being lumped into the element of the beer guzzling, sneaking a pint of tequila into the stadium in their boot, Starter jacket wearing, face painting, jersey donning, Evan Gallinson spirited, get to the parking lot at 9 AM for a 4 PM kickoff, taking off my shirt in -20 degree temperatures (bear in my mind I swim with my shirt on) Lunatic Fan of a National Football League Team. And mind you I have no disdain for the aforementioned described fan, afterall, I'm a Man of the People. I just lost sight of who these lunatics are supporting exactly. A city? A business? A roster of players that is completely different a year later? Before I let this deteriorate into a rant on the problems with professional sports, I'll just say that it was a healthy break and leave it at that.

The crazy thing was this whole epiphany about rooting (or really, not rooting) for a professional sports team took place at the Mecca of all Diehard Professional Football Fans. I am, of course, referring to traveling to a road playoff game to "support your team". My experience took place on Wildcard weekend in Tampa Bay (I'm too lazy to look up the year, let's just say it was the mid-to-late 90's), at the former stadium affectionately known as "The Big Sombrero". There I was,with my Dad and my Brother, surrounded by 80,000 rabid Tampa Bay fans.

SIDE NOTE: My Dad probably had this same revelation about professional sports 20 years prior to me. Yet being the devoted father he is, he kept these feelings to himself (only for me to figure it out on my own later) and still sacrificed to schlep my Brother and I to The Sombrero in the midst of an otherwise nice vacation. You gotta love him. And now back to my story....

You can poke fun at the quality of people you sit with at a home Lions game at the Silverdome (Ford Field came after my defection) and rightfully so, but compared to the crowd at the Sombrero, the Silverdome felt like being at a Country Club. Being the spineless woman that I am(or perhaps I'm just smart), I decided against being the Mishuganah that wears the Honolulu Blue Wig, The Silver Face Paint or The Alex Karras Retro Uni (apparently he was somewhat of a decent defensive player for the Lions in the 50's before going on to play the Dad on Webster to much critical acclaim). My attitude was to wear my standard street clothes (In those days, probably a pair of Polo Khaki Shorts, Solid Color Golf Shirt and Stan Smiths((good to see I've changed my look over the last 11 years--I'm going shopping for a hipper look this weekend--I swear))) and blend in with the crowd (I was lacking a Pirate Patch and a Bandana ((although even if I had a bandana I wouldn't have been able to tie it correctly)) and try not to have the opposing fans give me a beating comparable to the one the Lions were taking 30 rows down. My plan would have gone perfectly, if it weren't for my brother, Benji (always the R2D2 to my C3PO), razzing the textbook Lunatic Bucs Fans in our section. I still maintained hope that my Dad and I could escape unscathed, even if it meant losing Benji as a casualty in the process. As the locals were plotting to pass our bodies to the top of the Sombrero and dispose of us (I know--the Kaplans are heavy set men, but there were 80,000 Bucs Fans), the very team that I was turning on bailed us out. Not on the field--as always, the Lions sucked royally. However, had they not sucked and gotten completely demolished in that game, instead of just getting razzed for 3 and a half hours by said Lunatic NFL fans, my fate would have been similar to Vincent Ludwig (played by the always enjoyable Ricardo Montalban) at the end of the first Naked Gun.

So I'm not a Lions Fan anymore--where does one turn?? Afterall, I'm still a football fan. Sunday is still one of the 7 days of the week and I don't like crafts or antiquing. I know I started this post by saying the NFL is crap, but that was misguided. Being a fan is crap. Or--being a fan of one team is crap. However, as a gambler, you can be a fan of a new team every few hours. If a team is going good, you can be a fan of their work for several weeks running. If a team costs you money, you just change sides (ie--the revenge bet, which I'll discuss in greater detail in later posts). You can take this non-fandom even further by playing fantasy football (you can root for and against both teams simultaneously--a wonderful experience). Plus you get to create fun nicknames for the teams that you gamble on and against. Here are a few examples, that myself, my brother and some of our cohorts have come up with and/or have liked to use over the years:


Buffalo Bills--The Gruff (origin: Billy Goats Gruff)
Miami Dolphins--The Fish or Feesh
New England Patriots--The Engine
NY Jets--No Nickname
Jacksonville Jaguars--The Jigs
Indianapolis Colts--Indimas (Part of the Dimas Family) or the Clots (seldom used)
Tennessee Titans--The Tuxes or The Oilers
Houston Texans--The Tuxes or the Oilers
Pittsburgh Steelers--The Curtain
Cincinnati Bengals--The Gallies, The Gally, Gally Gallies or the Svengals
Cleveland Browns--No Nickname
Baltimore Ravens--Balt
San Diego Chargers--San Dimas (part of the Dimas family)
Denver Broncos--No Nickname
Oakland Raiders--No Nickname
Kansas City Chiefs--The Chefs
Detroit Lions--No Nickname (other than the Gross Lions)
Green Bay Packers--The Pack (not that original)
Minnesota Vikings--TONKA (a favorite)
Chicago Bears--The Bears still Suck
Dallas Cowboys--No Nickname
New York Giants--The Gints (not that original)
Philadelphia Eagles--No Nickname
Washington Redskins--The Hail to the Redskins
Seattle Seahawks--No Nickname
Arizona Cardinals--No Nickname
St. Louis Rams--Nope
San Francisco 49ers--Nada
Carolina Panthers--Car
Tampa Bay Buccaneers--Tonka Bay (part of the Tonka family--a classic)
Atlanta Falcons--The Conies or Hotlanta (which is poor and overused)
New Orleans Saints--The Santos or The Flying Santos (to be used on special occassions)

If you haven't had the pleasure of telling your bookie that you want a 20 time Gruff/Curtain reverse, well, you just haven't lived.

These names work in college also--in fact they are even more fun. And I know, I do have loyalties to my alma mater, Wisconsin (U Rah Rah), which basically makes me a hypocrite and devalues my whole theory. I say to that, having a vested interest in the University you attended is a completely different phenomenon than supporting a pro team and it should be commended.

Anyways, my short list of college nicknames:

Clemson--Cremson
Virginia Tech--The Hokie Dokies
Colorado--Cauliflower or Flower or Colo
Oklahoma-Krahoma
Oklahoma State--Krahoma State
Louisville--Louis or My Enormous Friend (Louis)
Indiana--Indimas
Michigan--Gross Mich
Michigan State--The Spartys or Mush State
Purdue--The Due or the Do Do Do (if they're playing particularly well)
Southern Mississippi--The Southern Man (Part of the Man Family)
Army--Army, Army, Army, Army (picture me singing/chanting this)
Navy--In The Navy (also to song)
Notre Dame--Notre Dimas (part of the Dimas Family) or The Gross Irish (during those times)
Toledo--Tooooooooledo
Colorado State--Flower State or Cauliflower State
San Diego State--Dimas State (part of the Dimas Family
Utah--You go to Utah, You stay in Utah
Mississippi--The Old Man (part of the man family)
Mississippi State--Man State (part of the man family)

There is also the Car Family (South Car, North Car, North Car State, etc)
Also, the Jew Family (BYJew, TCJew, LSJew, JewNLV--these work better with Christian Schools)

With all this fun at your fingertips, you're telling me that I should be sweating Matt Millen, the Mooch firing, the hiring of some bozo that used to coach at the Sombrero, or the team drafting a receiver in the first round every year since my wedding. I say to you, "Not Bloody Likely".

Allof this ties into an ongoing topic to be incorporated into this blog. That of the gambler. I will be posting picks on a regular basis (and the best advice I'll ever give is to take those picks, fly to Vegas and bet everything you have on the opposite of said picks). I will encourage regular contributions from friends and foes alike, as this blog is intended to be a forum for utter nonsense.

And on that note, I leave you with the words to Gridiron Heroes (a song that used to have more meaning to me than the National Anthem, but now, sadly, means nothing):

Forward down the field,
A charging team that will not yield.
And when the Blue and Silver wave,
Stand and cheer the brave.
Rah, Rah, Rah.
Go hard, win the game.
With honor you will keep your fame.
Down the field and gain,
A Lion victory!