Mission Impossible--Seacrest to Spielberg: The Ultimate Makeover
POSTED BY BK
My Brother In Law, Jon, recently began a search to find a new condo. He found a unit in his current building that he has some interest in. Due to reasons that would be way too exhausting to explain, he had to pose as me via email to initiate a conversation with the Seller. A dialogue has now been created via email between Fake Brad (Jon) and Seller. This is quickly moving towards a face to face meeting. Personally, I don't think that Jon can pull off a sufficient impersonation of yours truly. But as a loyal and faithful brother, I am here to help create a step by step handbook of how to successfully execute this tranformation. This is not a new reality show, but it will truly be, The Ultimate Makeover.
Let us first take a look at the subjects:
APPEARANCE:
BK--Looks like a younger version of Steven Spielberg (minus the facial hair) with Mario Batali's body and Howard Stern's nose.
JP--Looks like a cross between Ryan Seacrest and one of those Aryan Kids from "The Boys from Brazil".
ATHLETIC ABILITY:
BK--Has low post moves like an out of shape, white, jewish, 6 foot tall Charles Oakley. Slow. If I started running the 40 now, I'd still be running by the time you finished this post.
JP--Received a full scholarship to play Division I tennis. Scrawny, yet wiry, waifish, yet spry, flimsy, yet scrappy. If he were a basketball player, he'd be Jeff Hornacek, but with better hair and a worse shooting touch.
ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION:
BK--Sometimes enjoys a Ketel One rocks when out or a Glass of Red Wine with dinner.
JP--On an off night, makes Barney Gumble look like a social drinker.
EATING HABITS:
BK--This has been well documented. Not a lot of self control. Adventurous. Likes all cuisines, but for an indifference to Mexican and a dislike for Indian. The only specific food I truly dislike off the top of my head is polenta. Weaknesses include Italian and Jewish Delis, Good Japanese, Old School Italian Restaurants, Greek, Shellfish (particularly East Coast Oysters and in season Stone Crabs (obviously)), Barbeque (but not from North Carolina, that was gross) and anything in the Thai/Chinese/Vietnamese genres.
JP--Plays it close to the vest. Doesn't venture past the 10-15 JP seal of approval local establishments. Favors American Grill style fare. Likes big plates of protein (ie. steak and/or chicken) and lots of it. Consumes Diet Coke with the same frenetic abandon that he downs Miller Lite on a Friday night (hey, that rhymes!). Atkins diet could be interchanged with Perlman diet if it weren't for those sticky copyright and patent laws. The next dessert I see him eat will be the first dessert I see him eat. Enjoys a Big Salad as much as Elaine Benes.
FASHION SENSE:
BK--Wardrobe is a cross between my Papa Howard, Al Gore and Larry David. I wear a lot of Polo, not because I want to, but because I don't know what else to wear.
JP--Either ultra casual college kid gear (favoring backwards hat, comfortable sweat pants and lots of hoodie type sweatshirts) or Urban Hipster (fancy, trendy dress shirts matched with expensive, designer jeans).
Clearly, my work is going to be cut out for me.....
I've decided the best way to pull off this makeover is with an 8 step plan that I've created. This may not be quick, but damnit, we're going to do it right.
THE 8 STEP TRANSFORMATION PLAN
1) A 4 week drying out period at the Betty Ford clinic. This is only necessary after a weekend getaway to Vegas or Toronto. Also would be applicable after a Friday night where he leaves over 1 and a half credit cards at local watering holes.
2) An anger management course and possibly a small prescription for Xanax in an attempt to adopt my more even keel, passive, non confrontational personality. This will also be beneficial to tackle road rage issues, which leads me to....
3) An 8 week enrollment in the Phil Perlman Drivers Education course. This will help to keep his average speed in the 40-50 MPH neighborhood, eliminate tactics such as gunning it through red lights, reckless U turns and speeding up when approaching idiot pedestrians that have no clue that JP, in fact, has the right of way. Also, he'll have to learn how to drive less skillfully and swerve more when talking on his cell phone in the car, in an attempt to better mirror my technique.
4) A long weekend in Madison, Wisconsin during football season. This must include a Thursday night at Bucks for cheap pitchers of Vodka Lemonade, at least 1 Marlin lunch and 1 Marlin dinner, an afternoon drinking beers on the Terrace, a game of catch in library mall (type of ball is optional), a sandwich from Fraboni's, a Football Saturday that includes a morning stop at Brat's for Bloodys, a great seat in Section P, a Badger win, a rousing 5th quarter, either a Turkey BLT at Rad Rye or a Burger from Dottie's (or both), a Pint at the Irish Pub, a Cocktail of his choosing out of Stein 228 at Paul's Club (Kaplan's Whisky), a night at Still's with Rosalita on the jukebox at bartime and a couple Good Afterbars. Only then will he know the true power of UW and be able to put his allegiance to the not as great Mid American Conference in the rear view mirror.
5) Operation Weight Gain. He's got about 80 lbs to put on if he's going to match my robust physique. Carb it up, baby!!!! Lots of Bread--French, Rye, Pumpernickel, Focaccia, Bagels, and Bialies. Also, lots of Pudding--Chocolate, Vanilla, Banana, Rice and Tapioca. Or to simplify things we could just do an all Bread Pudding diet (has this ever been attempted before?). Mix in lots of fatty cheeses and cured meats to go along with it. Plates and plates of Lasagna. Substitute Diet Coke with Chocolate Malts. Deep Fry everything (including the lasagna and the chocolate malts). You'll be there in no time.
6) Correct your eyesight (or really incorrect it). I have to assume JP has perfect vision based on his prowess on the tennis court coupled with his aggressive driving skills (without ever having an accident). This will have to change. I can't see anything. He's going to need more of a Kurt Rambis, Chuck Muncie or Clark Kent kind of look. Just getting some frames with faux lenses isn't going to cut it. If JP read, I'd tell him to spend a couple months reading some books with small print in the dark. We'll come up with something though--maybe we'll just throw some Bread Pudding in his eyes.
7) Now that he's put on the weight, he's going to need the Biggggg Pants. 38's should be snug, yet roomy. A half day at Brooks Brothers, the Polo store and the Camper store, should get him the look he's seeking. Lots of V-Neck Sweaters with button downs underneath are the in vogue look. Stan Smith's for his feet if he's feeling whimsical. Polo golf shirts in every color will be the staple to complete this wardrobe alteration.
8) A weeklong trip to either Bourgogne or Napa Valley. No more Boone's Farm for you, my friend ("I thought this was a fine wine store? What do you mean you don't sell Boone's Farm?). If you want to roll in my shoes, you'll need to know the difference between a Cabernet Sauvignon and a Sauvignon Blanc and how to pronounce Gewurztraminer.
So remember, young Jon Perlman, you must complete my 8 step plan. Only then, Brad Kaplan will you be!
My Brother In Law, Jon, recently began a search to find a new condo. He found a unit in his current building that he has some interest in. Due to reasons that would be way too exhausting to explain, he had to pose as me via email to initiate a conversation with the Seller. A dialogue has now been created via email between Fake Brad (Jon) and Seller. This is quickly moving towards a face to face meeting. Personally, I don't think that Jon can pull off a sufficient impersonation of yours truly. But as a loyal and faithful brother, I am here to help create a step by step handbook of how to successfully execute this tranformation. This is not a new reality show, but it will truly be, The Ultimate Makeover.
Let us first take a look at the subjects:
APPEARANCE:
BK--Looks like a younger version of Steven Spielberg (minus the facial hair) with Mario Batali's body and Howard Stern's nose.
JP--Looks like a cross between Ryan Seacrest and one of those Aryan Kids from "The Boys from Brazil".
ATHLETIC ABILITY:
BK--Has low post moves like an out of shape, white, jewish, 6 foot tall Charles Oakley. Slow. If I started running the 40 now, I'd still be running by the time you finished this post.
JP--Received a full scholarship to play Division I tennis. Scrawny, yet wiry, waifish, yet spry, flimsy, yet scrappy. If he were a basketball player, he'd be Jeff Hornacek, but with better hair and a worse shooting touch.
ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION:
BK--Sometimes enjoys a Ketel One rocks when out or a Glass of Red Wine with dinner.
JP--On an off night, makes Barney Gumble look like a social drinker.
EATING HABITS:
BK--This has been well documented. Not a lot of self control. Adventurous. Likes all cuisines, but for an indifference to Mexican and a dislike for Indian. The only specific food I truly dislike off the top of my head is polenta. Weaknesses include Italian and Jewish Delis, Good Japanese, Old School Italian Restaurants, Greek, Shellfish (particularly East Coast Oysters and in season Stone Crabs (obviously)), Barbeque (but not from North Carolina, that was gross) and anything in the Thai/Chinese/Vietnamese genres.
JP--Plays it close to the vest. Doesn't venture past the 10-15 JP seal of approval local establishments. Favors American Grill style fare. Likes big plates of protein (ie. steak and/or chicken) and lots of it. Consumes Diet Coke with the same frenetic abandon that he downs Miller Lite on a Friday night (hey, that rhymes!). Atkins diet could be interchanged with Perlman diet if it weren't for those sticky copyright and patent laws. The next dessert I see him eat will be the first dessert I see him eat. Enjoys a Big Salad as much as Elaine Benes.
FASHION SENSE:
BK--Wardrobe is a cross between my Papa Howard, Al Gore and Larry David. I wear a lot of Polo, not because I want to, but because I don't know what else to wear.
JP--Either ultra casual college kid gear (favoring backwards hat, comfortable sweat pants and lots of hoodie type sweatshirts) or Urban Hipster (fancy, trendy dress shirts matched with expensive, designer jeans).
Clearly, my work is going to be cut out for me.....
I've decided the best way to pull off this makeover is with an 8 step plan that I've created. This may not be quick, but damnit, we're going to do it right.
THE 8 STEP TRANSFORMATION PLAN
1) A 4 week drying out period at the Betty Ford clinic. This is only necessary after a weekend getaway to Vegas or Toronto. Also would be applicable after a Friday night where he leaves over 1 and a half credit cards at local watering holes.
2) An anger management course and possibly a small prescription for Xanax in an attempt to adopt my more even keel, passive, non confrontational personality. This will also be beneficial to tackle road rage issues, which leads me to....
3) An 8 week enrollment in the Phil Perlman Drivers Education course. This will help to keep his average speed in the 40-50 MPH neighborhood, eliminate tactics such as gunning it through red lights, reckless U turns and speeding up when approaching idiot pedestrians that have no clue that JP, in fact, has the right of way. Also, he'll have to learn how to drive less skillfully and swerve more when talking on his cell phone in the car, in an attempt to better mirror my technique.
4) A long weekend in Madison, Wisconsin during football season. This must include a Thursday night at Bucks for cheap pitchers of Vodka Lemonade, at least 1 Marlin lunch and 1 Marlin dinner, an afternoon drinking beers on the Terrace, a game of catch in library mall (type of ball is optional), a sandwich from Fraboni's, a Football Saturday that includes a morning stop at Brat's for Bloodys, a great seat in Section P, a Badger win, a rousing 5th quarter, either a Turkey BLT at Rad Rye or a Burger from Dottie's (or both), a Pint at the Irish Pub, a Cocktail of his choosing out of Stein 228 at Paul's Club (Kaplan's Whisky), a night at Still's with Rosalita on the jukebox at bartime and a couple Good Afterbars. Only then will he know the true power of UW and be able to put his allegiance to the not as great Mid American Conference in the rear view mirror.
5) Operation Weight Gain. He's got about 80 lbs to put on if he's going to match my robust physique. Carb it up, baby!!!! Lots of Bread--French, Rye, Pumpernickel, Focaccia, Bagels, and Bialies. Also, lots of Pudding--Chocolate, Vanilla, Banana, Rice and Tapioca. Or to simplify things we could just do an all Bread Pudding diet (has this ever been attempted before?). Mix in lots of fatty cheeses and cured meats to go along with it. Plates and plates of Lasagna. Substitute Diet Coke with Chocolate Malts. Deep Fry everything (including the lasagna and the chocolate malts). You'll be there in no time.
6) Correct your eyesight (or really incorrect it). I have to assume JP has perfect vision based on his prowess on the tennis court coupled with his aggressive driving skills (without ever having an accident). This will have to change. I can't see anything. He's going to need more of a Kurt Rambis, Chuck Muncie or Clark Kent kind of look. Just getting some frames with faux lenses isn't going to cut it. If JP read, I'd tell him to spend a couple months reading some books with small print in the dark. We'll come up with something though--maybe we'll just throw some Bread Pudding in his eyes.
7) Now that he's put on the weight, he's going to need the Biggggg Pants. 38's should be snug, yet roomy. A half day at Brooks Brothers, the Polo store and the Camper store, should get him the look he's seeking. Lots of V-Neck Sweaters with button downs underneath are the in vogue look. Stan Smith's for his feet if he's feeling whimsical. Polo golf shirts in every color will be the staple to complete this wardrobe alteration.
8) A weeklong trip to either Bourgogne or Napa Valley. No more Boone's Farm for you, my friend ("I thought this was a fine wine store? What do you mean you don't sell Boone's Farm?). If you want to roll in my shoes, you'll need to know the difference between a Cabernet Sauvignon and a Sauvignon Blanc and how to pronounce Gewurztraminer.
So remember, young Jon Perlman, you must complete my 8 step plan. Only then, Brad Kaplan will you be!
Labels: POSTED BY BRADLEY M. KAPLAN
posted by BK at 7:26 AM
1 Comments:
simply fantastic.
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