The Fake Abbreviations

I must say that I am noted quite frequently for my sarcasm and dry sense of humor. I guess I am most aware of it when I’m around someone who doesn’t know me very well and they give me a puzzled look when I tell them I enjoy stealing from my roommates. There have most certainly been instances in my life where I’ve had to remind myself of my surroundings and hold back on sarcastic commentary, i.e. job interviews, long conversations with Zeese, driving tests, jail…oops, there I go again.

The sarcasm is heightened however, when I’m around my family. It is mutually understood among the Kaplan’s that there are inside jokes, jargon, nicknames and destinations that stimulate sarcasm in the most bizarre sense of the word. It is also understood that if you try to explain Schteffie, two salty sides, Welcome Brother, Muck, Cup or Sunday to anyone outside of the insider, you’re bound to be greeted with another blank stare or a simple, “You’re so weird”.

I have come to realize in the past year that the Kaplan’s are not the only ones with a, shall I say, language set of their own. Jon Perlman, my sister-in-law’s brother and personal friend, has developed his own skill set that I have personally coined: Jon’s Fake Abbreviations. Over the past few years, Jon and I have developed a relationship that is largely based on text messaging, emailing and instant messaging. Through these channels, I have come to know Jon very well. It is now my duty to give you a personal analysis and interpretation of Jon’s made up terms that can only be used ‘digitally’.

It all started innocently enough. Some years ago I received an instant message from Jon. Instead of the standard, wudddddddddddup or hey, I was greeted with ‘vor’. Not quite sure what he was talking about, I asked him, ‘what is vor?’ In typical Jon fashion, his response was, ‘vor’. This continued for a few minutes until I called my brother, Brad to ask him what ‘vor’ meant. I was told that it stood for-verification of read, in other words, an abbreviated way of asking, ‘Are you there?’ Soon this became the standard greeting among Jon, myself, Brad and my sister-in-law Kristyn. Eventually it was shortened to just ‘v’, and it is still used sparingly among this group of four.

The real dictionary of terms has developed in the past six months and I have created a User’s Guide to Jon’s Fake Abbreviations, listed below.

Vd: Commonly used as a response to ‘V’, an alternative to yes, or a signification of agreement. Vd is Jon’s abbreviation for verified.
Example- Me: Alexis is cute.
Jon: Vd

Dd: The opposite of Vd, usually the second most common response to ‘V’. Many times additional D’s are incorporated to the abbreviation, indicating a more fervent response.
Example-Me: Are you going out tonight?
Jon: Ddddddddd

Sik: Abbreviation for sick, in the form of the word cool. Used most often in multiple text messages that I have no response for. Usually Jon uses this abbreviation to tell me what places in Chicago he finds to be acceptable venues to drink Red Bull and vodka.
Example- Jon: Enclave Sik.
Me:-
Jon: Enclave Sik.

Gros: Abbreviation for the word gross or the opposite of sik.
Example- Jon: Quartino gros (he likes big plates of protein, hence small plates of pasta would not agree with him)


Fyi: I’m sure you’ve heard of this one. It is the proper abbreviation for ‘for your information’. Still used to abbreviate those three words, Jon likes to use it at the end of a personal opinion, following sik or gros.
Example- Jon: Fresh Meat sik, fyi.


RFN: Acronym for ‘right fucking now’.
Me: When are you going there?
Jon: RFN

Brutus: Originally, I thought brutus was another word for brutal. In reality, or Jon’s reality, brutus means great or really sik.
Example-Jon: 30 E Huron pool brutus

Trust: Jon’s way to say ‘trust me.’ You can pretty much assume when Jon says trust, he is aware of something that he won’t reveal to you.
Example-Jon: Suite, fyi
Me: Why?
Jon: Trust.
(Reasoning behind it: Vince Vaughn was at Suite this particular night.)


Since I have formed a core understanding of Jon’s terminology, I have become an avid user and believer in it. Fake abbreviations are not only fun to use, but they are extremely habit forming. I highly recommend you implementing these terms into your digital messaging habits, RFN.

The Bad Breakfast

As is my practice every morning, I gave my daughter Alexis breakfast this morning. Her customary meal for the last 2 months or so has been a piece of whole grain toast with jelly. Since bread is her favorite food and everything else comes in a distant second, she consumes this meal with great delight. This morning, however, I decided to tinker with the menu. Since her diet can best be classified as 80% bread, 15% pasta and 5% miscellaneous, my wife and I decided that we should try and modify these ratios and be a little more forceful with the fruits and vegetables. Also factoring into my decision this morning, was that we went to dinner at an Italian restaurant last night and Alexis's meal was essentially two baskets of bread and 3/4 of a meatball. All of that being said, when I put her in her highchair this morning, I definitely threw her a curveball. The first food I attempted to give her was bananas. Not a whole banana or a cut up banana, she'd never go for that (or any fruit in that presentation for that matter). The only way to possibly get her to eat fruit, is in the pureed, baby food variety. So she's in her chair, expecting her toast with jelly, and I come with the spoonful of bananas. Her first reaction is a look with a crooked eye as if to suggest, "Dad, are you fucking kidding me? This isn't what I eat for breakfast." I try again. Now she gives me a slightly stronger protest, the head turned away, as if to say, "Dad, seriously, I'm not eating this, stop joking around and get me my toast." One more try. Now she gives me the hand pushing the spoon away. A stronger protest suggesting, "DAD, FIND ANOTHER KID TO PUSH THESE SHITTY BANANAS ON! I'M HUNGRY AND DON'T FEEL LIKE PLAYING GAMES. GET ME MY GODDAMN TOAST!" I'm defeated with the fruit, but still have the mettle to try and mix up the diet. I go for the baby cereal with 2% milk. Again, I get a look as if to say, "Well, you've got balls, I'll give you that." She takes a spoonful, but again the look saying, "I'll humor you and eat a little of this, but don't for one second think this is acceptable or that I like it." We go through this routine with each spoonful as she disappointedly eats her cereal. My daughter's first disappointment--I took no pleasure from it. Every few minutes, I try and reintroduce the bananas. She looks at me like this is laughable. She finishes the cereal, but is still hungry. I decide to scramble her an egg. She wants food now though, so I try and bridge the gap with the Cheerios. She's a little bored with the Cheerios, but she certainly enjoys them more than either bananas or baby cereal, so I figure she'll see view them as an upgrade. In a way I'm right, because she eats some of them, but the majority are thrown on the floor as an overall protest to the meal. The eggs are now ready. I spread a few on her tray. She picks up a little piece and studies it. Puts it in her mouth. One second. Two seconds. Slowly spits it out and lets it dribble down her shirt. At this point her arms are raised, sugggesting "just get me the hell out of this highchair, this mockery of a meal is over". Twenty minutes later she goes down for her nap, disappointed by the events that have transpired. She shoots me a final glance before she lays her head down. There is no mistaking her message. "You better have one hell of a lunch planned."