The Fake Abbreviations

I must say that I am noted quite frequently for my sarcasm and dry sense of humor. I guess I am most aware of it when I’m around someone who doesn’t know me very well and they give me a puzzled look when I tell them I enjoy stealing from my roommates. There have most certainly been instances in my life where I’ve had to remind myself of my surroundings and hold back on sarcastic commentary, i.e. job interviews, long conversations with Zeese, driving tests, jail…oops, there I go again.

The sarcasm is heightened however, when I’m around my family. It is mutually understood among the Kaplan’s that there are inside jokes, jargon, nicknames and destinations that stimulate sarcasm in the most bizarre sense of the word. It is also understood that if you try to explain Schteffie, two salty sides, Welcome Brother, Muck, Cup or Sunday to anyone outside of the insider, you’re bound to be greeted with another blank stare or a simple, “You’re so weird”.

I have come to realize in the past year that the Kaplan’s are not the only ones with a, shall I say, language set of their own. Jon Perlman, my sister-in-law’s brother and personal friend, has developed his own skill set that I have personally coined: Jon’s Fake Abbreviations. Over the past few years, Jon and I have developed a relationship that is largely based on text messaging, emailing and instant messaging. Through these channels, I have come to know Jon very well. It is now my duty to give you a personal analysis and interpretation of Jon’s made up terms that can only be used ‘digitally’.

It all started innocently enough. Some years ago I received an instant message from Jon. Instead of the standard, wudddddddddddup or hey, I was greeted with ‘vor’. Not quite sure what he was talking about, I asked him, ‘what is vor?’ In typical Jon fashion, his response was, ‘vor’. This continued for a few minutes until I called my brother, Brad to ask him what ‘vor’ meant. I was told that it stood for-verification of read, in other words, an abbreviated way of asking, ‘Are you there?’ Soon this became the standard greeting among Jon, myself, Brad and my sister-in-law Kristyn. Eventually it was shortened to just ‘v’, and it is still used sparingly among this group of four.

The real dictionary of terms has developed in the past six months and I have created a User’s Guide to Jon’s Fake Abbreviations, listed below.

Vd: Commonly used as a response to ‘V’, an alternative to yes, or a signification of agreement. Vd is Jon’s abbreviation for verified.
Example- Me: Alexis is cute.
Jon: Vd

Dd: The opposite of Vd, usually the second most common response to ‘V’. Many times additional D’s are incorporated to the abbreviation, indicating a more fervent response.
Example-Me: Are you going out tonight?
Jon: Ddddddddd

Sik: Abbreviation for sick, in the form of the word cool. Used most often in multiple text messages that I have no response for. Usually Jon uses this abbreviation to tell me what places in Chicago he finds to be acceptable venues to drink Red Bull and vodka.
Example- Jon: Enclave Sik.
Me:-
Jon: Enclave Sik.

Gros: Abbreviation for the word gross or the opposite of sik.
Example- Jon: Quartino gros (he likes big plates of protein, hence small plates of pasta would not agree with him)


Fyi: I’m sure you’ve heard of this one. It is the proper abbreviation for ‘for your information’. Still used to abbreviate those three words, Jon likes to use it at the end of a personal opinion, following sik or gros.
Example- Jon: Fresh Meat sik, fyi.


RFN: Acronym for ‘right fucking now’.
Me: When are you going there?
Jon: RFN

Brutus: Originally, I thought brutus was another word for brutal. In reality, or Jon’s reality, brutus means great or really sik.
Example-Jon: 30 E Huron pool brutus

Trust: Jon’s way to say ‘trust me.’ You can pretty much assume when Jon says trust, he is aware of something that he won’t reveal to you.
Example-Jon: Suite, fyi
Me: Why?
Jon: Trust.
(Reasoning behind it: Vince Vaughn was at Suite this particular night.)


Since I have formed a core understanding of Jon’s terminology, I have become an avid user and believer in it. Fake abbreviations are not only fun to use, but they are extremely habit forming. I highly recommend you implementing these terms into your digital messaging habits, RFN.