Three Cheers for the Bus Driver

Since moving to a city close to a year ago, I’ve come to realize you can learn a lot from taking public transportation. Sure, I took the occasional bus in college, but let’s be realistic, 95% of the time I was either getting dropped off by one of my friends or I was calling a freshman for notes. The following are observations I have made over the past several months.

1) The Middle Syndrome (it’s not just for children anymore)-Nobody wants to sit in the middle seat on the bus; it’s a rule. Of course I’m referring to the benches in the front that seat three, where the first occupants tend to take the two end seats and when the bus gets overly crowded, the middle seater dives in. Not an intricate observation, I know. But here’s the fascinating part. Somehow, I always end up sitting next to the guy who doesn’t want to move over. I’ll be sitting in an end seat of a three-seater, fully occupied. The person sitting in the other end seat gets up, and the guy in the middle remains seated next to me. Mind you, this situation only happens to me when the bus has a variety of desirable seats available. I wonder, does this person really enjoy sitting more or less on top of me when there is a perfectly decent seat right next to him where he doesn’t have to feel my pulse. Sometimes I want to move to another seat. This causes a whole inner monologue in my head. “If I get up, will this person be one of those crazies who calls me out on it and starts yelling and asking why I felt the need to switch seats? Maybe they’re getting off at the next stop and that’s why they didn’t move over. Maybe they’re cold and they wanted to be close to me for body heat. Maybe they didn’t notice that the other guy got off the bus.” Whatever the reasoning, I don’t like it. Vacant seats on the bus can be hard to come by. I think there needs to be another announcement on the bus. Right after the little robot voice says, “Please be considerate and give up your seats for passengers with disabilities and expected mothers,” they should add in “And don’t be a jackass. Move over if you’re in the middle seat and the end seat is vacant.”

2) The Cell Phone Junkie- I am not a morning person. Anyone who has ever seen me within two hours of waking up knows my personality resembles a slightly less intense Ebenezer Scrooge. I get on the bus to work and I expect my twenty minutes to be a time to zone out and forget that I’m starting another day with my boss that has two capital letters in his name. To the girl who needs to talk on her cell phone, loud enough for everyone to hear, to the point where I know what brand of plates her and her fiancé are registered for, STOP! If this is the conversation you are going to be having at 8 AM you need to learn how to text message or take a cab to work. I couldn’t believe it. This happened to me about a month ago and I think everyone on the bus wanted to throw her and her cell phone out the window. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been found guilty on charges of bad cell phone etiquette a few times, but who wants to discuss their personal life in front of 50 plus strangers?

3) The Headphones Guy- I never expected to turn into that guy with the headphones. Admittedly, though, I think I can safely say, it happened. I never understood the concept of people walking around enveloped in music. How are you aware of your surroundings? What if someone is calling your name and you can’t hear them (my grandmother wanted to know). And furthermore, you look like a fool. I’ve accepted and assumed the privilege of music while you’re working out. Other than that, I couldn’t endorse it. I have to say though, I get it now. It’s relaxing. It clears your head and prepares you for a day or winds you down for an evening. Plus, there’s nothing better than listening to Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” before I’ve had coffee.

4) The Germaphobe-Since I started taking the bus, I’ve become obsessed with Purell. Obsessed. My sister in law (whom I’ve referred to as Bad Ass in the past) is the queen of Purell. She goes through more bottles of Purell a week than her daughter goes through diapers. I don’t know if I’ve taken over her title, but I’m getting there. Not only do I keep a bottle with me, a bottle at my desk at work and a bottle at home, I’ll put it on while I’m on the bus. I’ll hear someone sneeze in the back of the bus when I’m sitting in the front and I’ll break it out right then and there. Someone smells like Indian food? Same deal. It’s almost like I’m a super hero and the Purell is my magic weapon. Still, I know, how much more sanitary is touching my roommates dog, which I don’t Purell after doing so, than touching the chrome bar on the bus—probably not much.

5) The Passenger Awareness-I’ve become very aware of regulars that I see every day on the bus. One woman in particular I always notice. She wears a bright orange jacket and closes her eyes the entire bus ride. I know a lot of the bus drivers too. They give me a nod or (gasp) a piece sign when I get on. Another woman is on the bus on my way home from work. I can’t figure out if she’s friends with this particular bus driver and that’s why she’s on the bus in the first place, but she sits in the seat closest to him every day and goes on and on about how many rollover minutes she has on her cell phone and how much she’s paying for them. I’ve had to sit next to her a few times. This is one instance when you would think the headphones come in handy. Not so. Even at my iPod’s maximum volume, I can still hear this woman’s shrieking voice at full capacity. (With Kool and the Gang as background noise).