Where Are They Now? An Interview with Gargamel

Gargamel circa 1985

Gargamel present day

In our ongoing attempt to bring original content to our readers, we've tracked down a very special guest for this week's post. He's a man/wizard that really needs no introduction (but I'll give him one anyway). He's everyone's favorite bad guy from the 80's cartoon "The Smurfs". And now we have him for an exclusive, unplugged one on one interview with Gaining Weight Editor, Brad Kaplan.


Brad Kaplan: Gargamel, How are you, my friend?


Gargamel: I've been unsuccessfully hunting Smurfs for decades, my show was cancelled back when you were Bar Mitzvahed, I'm bald, my clothes are ratty and my cat died. How well do you think I am?


BK: Fair enough, fair enough. So what have you been doing since the show was cancelled?


G: To be honest, it's been a tough run. It's one thing trying to bring down The Smurfs when I was getting a fat paycheck every week. Once the money stopped rolling in it seemed somewhat silly. I went down to Jamaica for about 6 months and opened up a parasailing business. The customers just didn't respond to me. Plus, I'm bald. And pasty. Needless to say it wasn't a great climate for a guy like me. I was spending more on sunscreen per day than I was on weed and prostitutes. When I came back, I had been evicted from my castle--although I've still managed to squat there for the last 20 plus years.


BK: Wow, that's tough. But with all due respect, I know you and if you approached me on the beach in a bathing suit, I'd probably quickly retreat in the other direction. So what did you do when you got back?


G: A little of this and a little of that. My desire to kidnap, torture and eat Smurfs really never waned and hasn't to this day quite honestly. But I found other things to do. I sold insurance for awhile. I found I had quite a knack for telemarketing. And threatening to put spells on prospective customers was a decent technique. Sometimes fear is an effective tool in sales. I still have my license if you want me to work up some numbers for you. At your weight, life insurance or disability might make some sense. Why don't......

BK: I think we're getting off topic, Gargs. And I'm pretty well covered. Why don't you tell me about the final days of the TV show?


G: You know, I felt it deserved another year. To the average viewer I know I came off as a bumbling idiot. But I was close to catching a Smurf, maybe all of the Smurfs. They are smaller and more deceptive than they appeared on TV. Damn it all. Just one more season. I would have had my breakthrough. I butted heads with the producers about this. They even considered bringing in what they felt would have been a more competent villain, but the focus group results really supported me. I even offered to take a pay cut. One more season and I would have had my glory (maniacal laughing)!!!! I just know it! I even told them if I did capture and eat a Smurf on Saturday morning children's television, they could do a three episode arc with me on trial. It would have been captivating television. I would have taken any type of punishment for the pleasure of consuming one loathsome Smurf--public flogging, guillotine, any type of humiliation. I just wanted to eat a Smurf. I still do.


BK: You know Gargamel, I'm not a judgmental guy, but some might say that's a pretty weird fetish.


G: How dare you, Kaplan! You're really going to mess with me. You cowardly, stocky Jewish bastard. You've never been in a fight in your entire life and all of a sudden you're going street on Gargamel. Do you know who the %@!@ I am? I can turn you into a hamster, I can give you small pox, maybe a bad paper cut. All with the snap of my fingers!!!!


BK: Actually, I watched your work for almost a decade and came away largely unimpressed. No disrespect though.


G: Who are you to say eating Smurfs is a fetish? I've been to Shaw's Crab House with you and have seen you consume dozens of oysters. It's like you're making love to them. How is that better?


BK: Kind of a weird gray area we've entered, as I do love oysters and have admittedly eaten some weird, exotic stuff in my day. But I've never seen a Smurf on a restaurant menu. We should probably move on. I've always wondered about your name. Gargamel. Is that a first name or last name?

G: Wow, you're really getting personal. OK, I'll give you my story. I was born Arthur Goldberg. I was raised in a middle class Jewish home. I was a frail, whiny, self loathing tween. My father couldn't stand me or my heavyset, overbearing mother and ran off with his secretary. I didn't have a father figure and I was a wussyish boy. Wussier than the other wussy Jewish kids that used to pick on me in Hebrew school, beat me with a shofar and steal my hamentashen. Wussy--that's a good word. Anyhow, I used to vow revenge on them--I'm a big revenge guy, but I was too spineless to actually do anything. I was kind of a loner as you might imagine. I did a lot of science fiction type reading and was interested in wizards. I knew The Hobbit by memory. I also masturbated many times a day, but I suppose that's not relevant. I wasn't much of a student, but I managed to get into University of Michigan, which I believe to be a poor school, despite it's critical acclaim. I flunked out within a year. I was working the grill at a local fast food restaurant and reading Mad Magazine in my spare time. At one point, I saw an advertisement for Wizard school and the rest is history. I went every Tuesday night and was moderately competent at wizardry. I knew that my destiny was to become a middling wizard at that point. Arthur Goldberg wasn't a great mediocre wizard's name so I came up with Gargamel. I was a fan of Art Garfunkel so it was kind of a tribute to him. Paul Simon sucks by the way.

BK: So just Gargamel?

G: My formal name change was to Gargamel Cornelius Jackson, but I haven't used either Cornelius or Jackson since 1977. At the time I was trying to create a potion to turn me into a bad ass mofo. I figured if I ever became an African American Hoops Star or got cast in a hard hitting action movie, I'd go by G. Cornelius Jackson. Didn't pan out though. So it's Gargamel. Just Gargamel.

BK: So how'd you go from night wizard school to living in a run down castle in the middle of nowhere obsessed with capturing Smurfs?

G: I never had much self confidence to begin with. When I reached my late 20's I started balding and that didn't really help my sense of self image. They didn't have Propecia or transplants or anything like that back then. Imagine, had there been Propecia 3 decades ago my whole life could have been different. I became more and more isolated from society during those years. And I got a kitten as most viewers know. That type of housing and setting just seemed conducive to my lifestyle.

BK: Yet it wasn't happily ever after for you?

G: Ha! Obviously not. Happiness is a mythical thing. Just like eating a Smurf probably is a mythical thing. But it could have been a peaceful existence were it not for those reprehensible Smurfs. Damn those blue bastards!!!! Their ridiculous way of life, their enthusiasm, their silly names and that despicable Papa Smurf!!! If you're not a man that knows how to hide the matzah, do me a favor, don't call yourself "Papa"!! I know you're with me on that, Kaplan! The way they use "smurf" as a noun, verb and adjective--get over your freaking selves!!!!! MOTHER @^@^@&@ SMURFS!!!!! @#%^&$#*$@#$%^&%#$$#@!&&@!@#$!^^!! (unrecognizable swearing)!!!!!!

Wow. I need to calm myself down. Deep breaths. OK. OK. I was always a bit eccentric, but living so close to their Utopian society really drove me mad. The fact that the public responded to them so much, made me even more insane. And violent. I was never a violent guy. But they way these goofy blue creatures were showered with attention--somebody needed to put an end to it. And the fact that I was made to play the fool at their expense....well, Gargamel just didn't want to go out like that.

BK: Well, Gargamel, I appreciate the time that you've spent. It's still somewhat early--you want to hit up Shaw's for some oysters and beer? My treat...

G: Are you going to buy that insurance from me?

BK: Uhhh, no.

G: Go @^#% yourself, Kaplan.

BK: Fair enough.

Michael Phelps: No Swimming for Three Months. No Weed Either.

So what is the downside to enjoying getting high as a motherfucker?

My favorite part of the Michael Phelps story is his punishment. "USA Swimming suspends Michael Phelps for 3 months." It's clear that based on the suspension Phelps will be unable to swim for 3 months. It's unclear whether the suspension prohibits him from being photographed while taking bong hits.


Outside of that, here is my major issue/question regarding this "suspension". The last time I checked the Olympics are once every 4 years. Since we just polished off an Olympics this past summer, by my estimation we don't have another one scheduled for 3 and a half years. This previous summer's events being somewhat of an exception, no one really cares about the Olympics. I certainly don't. If NBC can barely get people interested in watching swimming DURING THE ACTUAL OLYMPICS, how does it make a bit of difference if a SWIMMER gets suspended THREE AND A HALF YEARS prior to his next event that anyone even moderately cares about. Seriously, what does a 3 month suspension starting in February 2009 even mean?

1) No Pool Parties--Poor Michael is going to have to sit in a chaise lounge and stare longingly at his friends as they splash and frolic around in the pool. They're going to be whooping it up playing pool volleyball, seeing who can hold their breath the longest, diving for nickels in the deep end, doing cannonballs off the side and seeing who can create the biggest splash with their belly flops. USA Swimming is like the mean parent that won't let their kid go in right after eating.

2) No Marco Polo for 3 months--How dare they? For all of Michael's Olympic achievements, he is most proud of his Marco Polo skills. Michael barely has to call out the requisite "Marco" to find his prey. By the time the other participants respond with "Polo", you better believe a pursuing Phelps is already there to make a quick tag. And he's even better when he's on the "Polo" side of things. He once participated in a celebrity Marco Polo game and Mark Spitz was the "Marco" guy to Phelps' "Polo". Spitz tried to hunt down Phelps for almost 4 hours with no success. Though Spitz denies it, rumor has it that he actually opened his eyes a little bit before finally catching Phelps, a huge "No-No" when playing this game.

3) He's supposed to go to Florida to visit his grandparents in March--What's he possibly going to do every day? All the other grandkids are going to be out at the pool and poor Michael is going to be stuck in the condo watching General Hospital. His grandma did say they could go to the flea market one day, so I guess that will be pretty good. And they always go to Jai Alai one night which should be fun. There are supposedly some sales going on at Town Center Mall that he'll probably check out. And they do have a Tony Roma's pretty close to where his Nonny and Poppy live, so that will be a treat. Still, not being able to swim is disappointing.

4) He can shower, but no bathing--USA Swimming is really trying to send a message with this one. As part of Phelps' punishment, he is not allowed to take baths during his three month suspension. They've even installed cameras in the bathrooms at his house, his girlfriends apartment and his mom's place to better enforce this ruling. He was given 48 hours to turn in all of his rubber duckies and any other bath toys in his possession. I heard Phelps just purchased a new box of Mr. Bubble within the last few weeks which will completely go to waste. He IS allowed to shower once a day, but only for the sole purpose of cleaning. Washing his face and brushing his teeth are also permissible activities. He is allowed to drink water. Gargling is on the banned list for reasons that are unclear at the time of this reporting.


So all of you kids out there reading, take this as your cue to learn a valuable lesson from this important role model. If you like bubble baths, if you like playing basketball on one of those novelty swimming pool hoops, if you like jumping off the high dive (no pun intended), if you like swimming at your grandma's pool until your hands get all "pruney"--I advise you, I implore you--SAY NO TO DRUGS!!!