Say No to Snugs

Since I have exhausted my DVR and memorized every episode of Barefoot Contessa; (I officially know how to make a gratin out of everything from zucchini to Captain Crunch), I have discovered that even though we are almost to 2009 and at a height of technology, we are still being exposed to infomercials. I don't really get it. We have the Internet. You can shop online for anything you want. Our country is in a recession. Who is still calling a number to order excessive crap being sold over the television? It's always the same thing. The product is a value of $129.99, yet you're only paying $19.99. There's always the fine print below that the shipping and handling is more than the actual product. If you call RIGHT NOW, you will receive an additional product; only if you call within the next 37 seconds. I've seen countless European hair removers, knives that can cut cans, pancake puffers and magic stain erasers, but nothing and I mean nothing, tops The Snuggie. About a month ago was when it first surfaced. I was aimlessly surfing the Internet when an overenthusiastic male senior citizen caught my attention. The Snuggie is a blanket with sleeves. I'd go on to describe it more meticulously, but there is really nothing else to say. It is a blanket with sleeves. My initial reaction was, is this one of those Saturday Night Live spoof clips? What channel am I watching? Some idiot really woke up one morning and said, "I've got it! A blanket with sleeves!" Sure, I've had my share of invention ideas that I kept solely in my brain up until right now. The bathtub full of tiny holes so you press one button to fill it up faster, marker wipes for children that instantly remove marker stains. Don't even think about patenting these, they're mine dammit! Even more of an idiot is the "Snuggie Model" in the infomercial. This idiot is the idiot that demonstrates what you can do in a Snuggie that you could not possibly do with a regular blanket. "Talking on the phone, holding the TV remote and using your laptop are a breeze!" Are there seriously people out there that find it difficult to hold a remote control and keep a blanket over them at the same time? I mean those that are physically intact? I witnessed my three-year-old niece perform this very task two days ago. She must be a prodigy. Then there's the two adults playing backgammon in their Snuggies. Model #1 and her daughter reading a book. Model #1 pouring herself a cup of tea. As my brother so impeccably pointed out, "Have these people not heard of a sweatshirt?"

15 Snuggie Alternatives and Other Practical Ways to Save on Heat

1. Electrocute yourself

2. Stand in front of the dishwasher during the dry cycle

3. Fart in tight pants

4. Fill a spray bottle with boiling water and mist

5. Set yourself on fire

6. Arrange a group hug with your neighbors

7. Eat a hot dish

8. Cut a regular blanket into the shape of a robe

9. Borrow an electric blanket from your bubbe (if you know what a bubbe is)

10. Make a headband out of aluminum foil and lay under a halogen lamp

11. Purchase a used windbreaker

12. Do the running man

13. Warm yourself with a hairdryer

14. Grow a beard

15. Gain 20 pounds

An Ode to Gentiles

Another Winter in Chicago is once again upon us. And by us, I mean me. So what does this winter season mean for ME? Well, it means the inevitable blustery weather, a four month runny nose/cold/flu and the ability to eat soup at every meal. Oh, and I just finished off yet another Christmas. Below are some random notes from this year's yuletide (note: I have no idea what yuletide means or whether or not I just used it correctly).....


I'm slowly being phased out of my building. Nothing concrete has happened, but the general feeling is palpable. During the holidays, the lobby of our building historically housed a standard Christmas tree in the sitting area and a battery operated Menorah on the doorman's desk. For the record, I am not a big Hanukkah guy and I don't think it should ever be compared to Christmas (I'll expound on this in more detail momentarily). When living in a nondenominational building though, the menorah in the lobby is the bone that is thrown to the resident Jews every year. Its unspoken message is, "there you go, now allow us to shamelessly celebrate our holiday in your face for the next 3 weeks." I never felt I was the guy that needed this bone--my feeling always was "have your holiday, I'm cool with Christmas."


Some changes did occur in the building over the course of the last year though. New management was brought in late summer/early fall. The old manager, was a finicky, fussy, crotchety, 40ish Jew that bore resemblance to Harvey Fierstein. While I could easily poke fun at him, the bottom line was the man looked out for my interests. And whether I cared or not, I knew that he was getting new Duracell's for that Menorah the first week of December every year. Now that he was off to some Kibbutz in Israel, where did this leave me? Did his move to the desert equal the demise of my Jewish way of life?


Predictably, yes. The new manager is a perfectly lovely, gentile woman (I've never actually seen or spoken to her). Her disposition is a cross between Martha Stewart and Mrs. Claus (I have no idea if this is true or not). What changes did she have in store for our building "at the most, wonderful time.......of the yearrrrrrr?" (Thanks to ESPN bowl coverage, I can't get that song out of my head). Well, for starters, there wasn't a Menorah to be seen (again, not complaining). The Christmas Tree was overwhelmingly large (which actually proved to be a good thing as it was less noticeable when my daughter predictably stole an ornament every time we walked through the lobby). There was gaudy tinsel and decorations EVERYWHERE (not a big deal, but it did hurt my eyes a little bit, frankly). There was a hired Santa in the lobby every Saturday and Sunday from 12-5 (a charming enough gentleman, but they probably could have found a better use for my assessment dollars). She also put in an Egg Nog machine near the elevators (not really my taste, I prefer my eggs with lox and onions).


Truth be told, I'm actually a big lover of Christmas. And, as mentioned before, I'm not particularly into the Hanukkah hype. I understand the basic plot--the burning oil, the 8 days, the Maccabees, etc.--and I'm simply not buying it. I'm a big three guy--Passover, Rosh and Yom. These are the McHale, Bird and Parish of Jewish holidays. Hanukkah is a secondary event within the Jewish holiday hierarchy. Yet certain Jews try to elevate it to first tier status. Why? Because it's in December? Because there is a gift giving component involved? It's not a competition versus Christmas. If Hanukkah fell in July, it would be a complete afterthought. It would be Sukkot with potato latkes. Our Christian friends aren't trying to use Ash Wednesday to trump Rosh Hashanah. To paraphrase Larry David, "Let them have their holiday!!!"


With the Hanukkah comparisons squashed, I wanted to take a moment to share some of my likes and dislikes of the Christmas Holiday.

MY DISLIKES

1) Those Reprehensible Christmas Sweaters--this comment is not meant to be disparaging towards Christmas, Christians, Christianity or Christ himself. But seriously, I'm pretty confident it doesn't say anything in the Bible about dressing like an idiot.

2) People that wear those Santa Hats--See above. Honestly, what the hell is wrong with you people?

3) Caroling--Let me start by saying that I'm actually a big fan of Christmas songs. But people that go out caroling? I can't even come up with anything funny or scathing to say. We should just move on.....

MY LIKES

1) The Family Component--There is really nothing like traveling great distances, fighting bad weather, and packing into small quarters, to spend time with people that routinely drive you crazy. I am saying this without a hint of sarcasm. I'm a big believer in family and as an outsider looking in that is what Christmas is all about.

2) Roasting Chestnuts--do people do this? I support roasting anything (I'd prefer root vegetables, organic chicken or suckling pig, but chestnuts are serviceable). The open fire concept seems a little bit dangerous and I'm a believer in fire safety, but I assume the proper precautions are being taken.

And since I talk about chestnuts so infrequently (IE: never), here is something that I've always been curious about: Chestnuts versus Water Chestnuts. The weird thing is, I've eaten water chestnuts many times in Chinese restaurants. I don't ever recall eating a regular chestnut (I've had hazelnuts, macadamia nuts, walnuts, etc; but never a chestnut). So why is it that I know precisely what a chestnut is, but am left wondering what the hell a water chestnut is? For an abnormal guy like me, this is indeed one of life's great mysteries.

3) The Music--While I don't like caroling, I am a big fan of Christmas songs. Perhaps having a 3 year old will do that to you. But if you've never appreciated the work of Sinatra or Ella Fitzgerald, I suggest downloading some of their Christmas performances. You won't be disappointed.

4) The Food--I'm surprising myself by saying this. I'm a card carrying brisket, gefilte fish, corned beef, matzah ball soup and lox eater through and through. But I have a mild appreciation for one aspect of Christmas cuisine. In fact, I have something major to get off my chest....

I've been having a secret love affair with ham for decades. I'm not supposed to like it and I don't readily admit it. But I love ham. Absolutely love it. For some weird reason, my grandmother would occasionally get Honeybaked Ham on certain holidays. I still don't understand why. To say this concoction is outstanding is an understatement. This is food nirvana. And I loved being in Europe for many reasons--the culture, the history, the nightlife--but my secret reason was the ham. Turkey and Chicken are not big in Europe for some reason. On most days, you'd go somewhere for lunch and there would be no turkey or chicken in sight. Only ham. My friends would always genuinely express protest and I'd fake go along with it and act as if I was outraged that I couldn't get traditional white meat. This was pure acting. Allow me....."FUCK!!!! No turkey again!!! You've gotta be fucking kidding me! There is nothing for me to fucking eat here! What the Fuck? I don't know what to do. Ham is fucking disgusting. I'm so sick of the fucking food on this fucking continent. I don't know what the fuck to do. Well, I've got to eat fucking something. Waiter, two ham sandwiches please....and stack 'em high, baby!!!" Anywhere you go in Europe, you can get ham--in crepes, in salads, on sandwiches, as it's own entree--Europe is a ham lovers paradise.

And so my fellow Jews, when the holidays come around next year, and you wish your non-Jewish co-worker a Merry Christmas and they come back at you with Happy Hanukkah, I implore you not to take this bait. Tell them thanks, but no thanks. Tell them to enjoy their holiday or better yet try to enjoy it with them. Weasel an invitation to their house and indulge in the splendor of Christmas. Roast some chestnuts with your gentile brethren (but try not to burn down their house). Indulge in a succulent piece of ham (even if you have to pretend you don't like it). Afterall, Yom Kippur is only 9 short months away and Adonai is a forgiving fellow.