The Mindless Thoughts of a Road Tripping Son-in-Law

The last few months since my father in law became ill, my wife and I have been driving back and forth from Chicago to Toledo at least a couple times per month. Under normal circumstances I could go months without even seeing the expressway. Now I'm towing the white line like I'm Doyle Brunson circa 1963 (if you don't know what I'm talking about pick up a copy of Super System). Among other things, it has given me the opportunity to take in the splendor of what we affectionately call AMERICA. The Heartland, the Midwest, the Heart of our Coun.....oh, who am I kidding, the drive is brutal. I've actually become a semi-regular at the Elkhart Olive Garden. The waitress there actually recognized me last night. This is not a good thing. However, if you're looking for a below average meal with above average company, you can usually find us there every other Monday night around 7. Mention this blog and I'll even throw in a free appetizer of fried lasagna or whatever other preposterous dish they're serving. Bon Appetito!

So aside from seeing tons of farmland, open space and Indiana cops, the drive also gives me the opportunity to view some of America's finest retail and dining establishments from the comfort of my car. Many of these places we take for granted. Maybe this is unfortunate. Let's take the crazy monstrosity that we know as Target. The breadth of products and services they carry has always been mindblowing to me. Based on my recollection, this is a place where you can buy a cantaloupe, a lawn mower, a plasma television, a fall wardrobe, a pizza and salad lunch, a birthday card, a propecia prescription (not that I'd know anything about that), a sectional couch, a set of 400 thread count egyptian cotton sheets and a Mr. Potato Head all under one roof. It's basically a Publix/Home Depot/Best Buy/Bloomingdales/Pizza Hut/Hallmark/Rite Aid/Crate and Barrel/Bed Bath and Beyond/Toys R Us rolled into one annoying superstore. I hate the insanity of Target and when I see one (and they're difficult to miss) I cringe a little bit. Last night was no exception as I was barreling down I-90W and saw it coming in my peripheral vision. Only this wasn't any Target. This was, in fact (I'm still in a state of disbelief), a....Super Target! It was unmistakable (literally, considering the sign was so large that you could see it from the moon on a clear night). My mind was racing with thoughts--what about this Target could make it "Super" relative to the other Target's? So far, I've come up with 2 possible answers:

1) Maybe it's called Super Target because it has super powers. Does this location wear a cape? Do Super Target customers get to wear capes while shopping? Is the store made of steel? Can it fly? Does Super Target fight crime? Can it swim underwater, communicate with animals, run really fast, jump very high or see in the dark? Does it have super strength? Can it make itself invisible (this is the option I'm secretly hoping for)? Or maybe it's "Super" in that it gives "Super" great value to the citizens of Metropolis (or in this case I think South Bend, Indiana) on their day to day purchases. After much consideration, I'm guessing that it's probably not called Super Target due to it's Superhero qualities. Which lead me to my next theory....

2) Maybe it's called Super Target due to it's super size relative to your regular Target. Seems somewhat logical. Of course, a regular Target is typically about the size of Michigan Stadium. Just how big could this Super Target be? Is Super Target it's own self contained city? Have they recently added a new county in Indiana called Super Target and I just haven't heard about it? Or, maybe it's larger than that. Maybe the government is in talks of adding Super Target as our 51st state? Bigger than that? Maybe the Super Target people have made this Super Target so big that they are planning on seceding from the Union? Are we headed towards another Civil War?

I now started feeling like I was getting closer to getting my answer. But if this Super Target was super due to its super size relative to a regular Target wouldn't their product offerings need to be super by comparison also? I was starting to get a headache. I already detailed the extensive and exhaustive line of products and services that your regular Target carries a couple paragraphs ago. What other things could this Super Target possibly sell you that you can't get in a regular Target. After much thought, here are some possibilities that I've come up with:

-400 single family homes strategically located throughout the store (I've already contacted my realtor friend in Indiana about getting me information on a 4 bedroom near the frozen food section. I like Ice Cream.)

-An 18 hole Jack Nicklaus championship golf course (site of the 2012 Ryder Cup)

-A car dealership

-A full service hospital

-A private school

-A plumbing supply emporium

-A Turkish bath house

-A nuclear waste storage facility

-A pot dealer

-Bookmaking services

-A race track

-An international airport

-A discotheque

-A funeral parlor

-A catering facility

-A church

-A temple

-A mosque

-A cemetery

So, needless to say, as much as I hate regular Target, this Super Target--I need to check this mother f&*%$# out! I will be driving through in the next couple weeks and will pull over and have a look around. I will report back my findings. Or, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll buy land there, become a general in the Super Target Army, and declare war on all of you bastards. As the old saying goes, The South Will Rise Again!